This blog, for me, is truly a public journal. Though I have addressed topics palatable by many, the majority of posts have been those of self-discovery and the working-through of personal experiences. I remain grateful for those of you who have contributed and shown interest over the years. Even if I never meet some of you, I genuinely appreciate all of you.
That said, here we find ourselves in the shadow of an impending Venus Retrograde. Not just any retrograde, though. This will be one of Her transits through Libra and Scorpio - which only occur every 8 years. This year, She comes out the Shadow Phase and moves into full Retrograde on my birthday of all days! Nevertheless, I must say that this discovery, for me, was actually quite comforting. Past relationship woes, reminders, dreams of exes, and the like were plaguing me with sudden abruptness. When I finally found out about my beautiful ruling planet's backtracking, it all began to make sense.
So, as they say, knowing is half the battle. So right they are (whomever they may be... G.I. Joe? ABC?) Armed with this information, I marched headlong into the realms of astrology to attempt to find that which I am meant to learn and experience. Thank goodness for all of my written journals (which I faithfully date at the end of each entry.) I have diaries that date all the way back to my junior high school years! Café Astrology has been an immense help in the teasing out of my lessons for growth. Additionally, Old World Witchcraft on Instragram was the source that pointed out the transit in the first place. So, I went back and did a quick search on "Café", and, low and behold, they listed previous Venus Retrograde intervals. I took these dates, cross-checked them against my journals, and found the patterns that most need work. It doesn't surprise me, but I am a sucker for homework. (I can know what I have to do, but, until someone else tells me to do it, it remains a mere acknowledgement in the back of my mind. "I'll deal with it eventually...")
I have always been, and may always be, boy crazy. Those of you that know me or have been following this blog for a few years can attest to this fact. And, you know? I'm okay with this. What I'm not okay with is my insistence on throwing myself at all of my crushes until one of them sticks, for better or worse. It's not attractive to myself, nor, after some time, to anyone else. This is the boldest theme in the entries that coincided with past Venus Retrogrades. The other glaring facet of my personality during those times? Only seeing relationships, and not the two people involved within them - I count, too. I gush on and on about the guys I've liked, even loved, but, in those heady periods I don't seem to matter to myself.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but, I should be the most important person in my life when I'm not with someone. Further, I shouldn't completely disappear in the pursuit of, and subsequent dating of the men I'm with. Relationships are meant to be equals. The balance may shift from time to time, but, in general, it should remain steadily even.
Back to Café Astrology, though. One can check their Birth Chart for matching degrees of Venus Retro and Direct, find the ruling House, then read up on the lessons meant to be learned at this time. Sadly, I had nothing directly matching the degrees, but I checked the closest matches, and went from there. Even so, I found pertinent information and assistance. What once seemed heavy and hopeless is now direct power in my hands that I can use to develop my soul.
This isn't in an attempt to find someone (Screw you, North Node in Gemini! I'll decide when to rejoin society!), but rather an opportunity to prove to myself that I am a worthy person. I have glimmering moments of great arrogance and vanity, so, it isn't as if I'm down on myself all of the time. However, I do find that I recede into the shadows and hide my true self when I meet men that spark my interest. Don't misunderstand; I don't lose myself. I am always here, just less so as I coo over and preen whomever my beloved may be. We all deserve that, in equal measure, if we choose to pursue companionship. But we all deserve to love ourselves fully throughout our lives, too. That is the mission Venus Retrograde has set forth for me this time around. Since she's in full power on my birthday, I simply cannot choose to ignore Her any longer.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Friday, August 31, 2018
"Know Solitude"
So reads the simple prediction for today in Llewelyn's Witches' Almanac. Truly, it is worth experiencing from time to time throughout the year, whether prompted to do so or not. Honestly, I have known solitude, and, due to a wanderlust ingrained within my very soul crippled by a Libran affectation that makes decision-making excruciatingly difficult, I have paced rooms for hours. Literally. Alone. I spent the better part of a day this past spring in a Cambridge hotel room wrestling with the choices of what to do once I hit the street if I would just grab my things and step out of the room. In the end, I walked to a local grocery store shortly before closing time, grabbed cheese, crackers, and fruit, and returned to the room, utterly defeated by my ridiculousness. I am loathe to admit that, had my travelling companion not been otherwise occupied for the day, we would have found some great way to pass the time. Instead, my demons and I walked in circles from the bed, to the window, to the luggage, and back.
It all must sound borderline psychotic to others. "Why didn't you just go? Surely, you would have found something to do once you were out?" Seems logical enough when I am not in the situation. But, within my own head, spinning my internal web of solitary activities, I was actually overwhelmed. I think, in today's instance, knowing solitude, for me, is more akin to rest. I am not going forth to experience solitude among the masses. Nor am I abandoning the crowds for the lush rejuvenation of the woods. As it is still oppressive summer, and this is my last, true day off until the end of the semester, my chosen solitude lies in quiet physical rest. My body is exhausted from a season of demanding strangers and constant early mornings at work. As such, I slept in, went to my local café for breakfast, returned home to savor my treats, and have been merely lounging with low key entertainment and dreams of travel.
There is no pacing involved, here. My wanderlust has been satisfied for the day in tandem with my Libran indecisiveness - I have done a little research on a few possibilities for next year's vacation. One option, in which I found myself interested only recently is Finland.
About a week ago, I treated myself to a Past Life Regression. The guide was my previous Middle Eastern Dance and Culture teacher, Katrina Valenzuela, who boasts an impressive number of years of this type of spiritual practice in addition to other forms of guidance. While we only uncovered two lives in the nearly three-hour session (which truly only felt like an hour from arrival to driving away), the first stuck with me. With a little extra research based on responses during the session, I have come to know that I was once a young Finnish woman with a knack for natural, herbal healing. Delving into that lifetime brought tears to my eyes in remembrance of the old woman who taught me all I knew. In her acknowledgment, and retrieval of her effect on my soul, I feel that she is always with me. This wonderful woman must be one of my guides. And, only now, as I type this sentence, have I realized that she reached out to me about five or six years ago in a reading with a medium. At the time, and until now, I shrugged that experience off as an encounter with a charlatan, and I felt as if I had been taken in. The medium tried to convince me that the woman coming through must have been some sort of grandmother, but the person I assumed it to be only barely fit the description; she was the only person that even came close. Now I know; she was my Finnish teacher.
I don't want to bore anyone with the details of my past life discoveries. I do want to bring this post back to its original point, however. Both of those lives were filled with a great deal of isolation or solitude. My current North Node is in Gemini. Both of these realizations have driven home to me that I have been an incredibly solitary soul for a great many lifetimes. This is the life when I am to bring what I have learned to the people. This is my time to rejoin society. And so, I think perhaps that, while "knowing solitude" for some (perhaps many) is a shutting oneself up away from the world and being utterly alone, for me, I can "know solitude" wherever I may be, because by simply having lived it on such a deep level, solitary is a comparison; not a sentence or escape.
It all must sound borderline psychotic to others. "Why didn't you just go? Surely, you would have found something to do once you were out?" Seems logical enough when I am not in the situation. But, within my own head, spinning my internal web of solitary activities, I was actually overwhelmed. I think, in today's instance, knowing solitude, for me, is more akin to rest. I am not going forth to experience solitude among the masses. Nor am I abandoning the crowds for the lush rejuvenation of the woods. As it is still oppressive summer, and this is my last, true day off until the end of the semester, my chosen solitude lies in quiet physical rest. My body is exhausted from a season of demanding strangers and constant early mornings at work. As such, I slept in, went to my local café for breakfast, returned home to savor my treats, and have been merely lounging with low key entertainment and dreams of travel.
There is no pacing involved, here. My wanderlust has been satisfied for the day in tandem with my Libran indecisiveness - I have done a little research on a few possibilities for next year's vacation. One option, in which I found myself interested only recently is Finland.
About a week ago, I treated myself to a Past Life Regression. The guide was my previous Middle Eastern Dance and Culture teacher, Katrina Valenzuela, who boasts an impressive number of years of this type of spiritual practice in addition to other forms of guidance. While we only uncovered two lives in the nearly three-hour session (which truly only felt like an hour from arrival to driving away), the first stuck with me. With a little extra research based on responses during the session, I have come to know that I was once a young Finnish woman with a knack for natural, herbal healing. Delving into that lifetime brought tears to my eyes in remembrance of the old woman who taught me all I knew. In her acknowledgment, and retrieval of her effect on my soul, I feel that she is always with me. This wonderful woman must be one of my guides. And, only now, as I type this sentence, have I realized that she reached out to me about five or six years ago in a reading with a medium. At the time, and until now, I shrugged that experience off as an encounter with a charlatan, and I felt as if I had been taken in. The medium tried to convince me that the woman coming through must have been some sort of grandmother, but the person I assumed it to be only barely fit the description; she was the only person that even came close. Now I know; she was my Finnish teacher.
I don't want to bore anyone with the details of my past life discoveries. I do want to bring this post back to its original point, however. Both of those lives were filled with a great deal of isolation or solitude. My current North Node is in Gemini. Both of these realizations have driven home to me that I have been an incredibly solitary soul for a great many lifetimes. This is the life when I am to bring what I have learned to the people. This is my time to rejoin society. And so, I think perhaps that, while "knowing solitude" for some (perhaps many) is a shutting oneself up away from the world and being utterly alone, for me, I can "know solitude" wherever I may be, because by simply having lived it on such a deep level, solitary is a comparison; not a sentence or escape.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Is my form of Paganism inherently Goth?
As a child, I honored the shadows of my imagination far more than my playmates, it seemed. We would take turns coming up with games, as children do. When it came to me, my games had storylines that often ended with players' characters turning evil or "dark" in some way when boundaries were crossed or when someone was tagged "it." Then again, I often saw things that adults told me weren't there. Such is the burden of most children and animals. Innocence and the absence of a thought process that numbs senses allows the natural human (and base animal) psyche to observe the things that go bump in the night without restraint. As we grow and "evolve," the ability to connect with these forces are stripped from our minds. Perhaps it is all through the necessity to fit in, or the brainwashing of the thinking masses that abducts our souls from the primal. Regardless, that darkness lingered in the back of my mind as I aged.
My treasured drawings featured the lighter side of the ethereal all throughout elementary and middle school, even if my games and silent personal musings dwelled on the possibilities of those hidden from view. The creatures there certainly made sure I never forgot their existence. Even now, I feel someone looking over my shoulder as I type this. Could be my dad. (Ever since he passed, he turns up randomly and irritates me until I chase him away again.) Could be someone I never knew. Could just be another energy I grew up fearing but have accepted as I have accepted the lighter side energies. The point is the acknowledgment of the eternal, and the eventual embrace if the whole. High school, as it is with many people, due to puberty and its nasty hormonal surges, opened the gate for all manner of expression and all muses that cared to step forward.
My faerie and otherwise cheery characters took on more emaciated and sickly inspirations. Creatures grew fangs drenched in blood (my fascination with vampires deepened), ribs became more pronounced and cheekbones began a subtle protrusion, nails were now claws and talons. Nothing was safe from my shadows' gaze. The more I carved those deep lines, the more intrigued I was by "ugly" nature. Insects and decay were in direct opposition to the giggling prisms of rainbow light in which I dressed myself.
My sister closest in age to me and I have often been mistaken for twins, but we are nearly two years apart in age. Further, in high school, she was, essentially, everything I hid of myself from the world. While I painted my bedroom blue with murals of unicorns, faeries, jesters, and flowers, and danced around to oldies, boy and girl bands, and spoke only of hope and uplifting cheer, she hid away in her dark grey room, shielded from sunlight by heavy red velvet curtains, listening to Korn, Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, and Static X. I maintained throughout those early years that I detested the darkness of her room, drama of her crazy hair and makeup, and angry tunes that emanated from her very being. (Though, I must point out that we would listen to The Cure, Cruxshadows, and Voltaire together.) Yet, out and about, and as I became more comfortable with myself, these protestations began to fall away.
Fully realizing my Path, death and decay were finally openly accepted for their beauty in the natural progression of all things. The shadows, creatures, insects, and sadness that I continually pushed away or inwardly repressed were brought out to meet the light. A balance was struck. As we all know here, balance is required for all things to work in harmony. The color black was acknowledged as much as those of the rainbow, the bleached bones of beasts were appreciated for the structure they once provided, shells of previous crawling critters discarded by the mini souls once trapped within were collected for both decoration and magical aid.
Since my recent appreciation of the Goth culture, I am seeing all of these things (and so much more) that have been parts of me since the very beginning turning up time and again in Goth references. Yet, they all just make sense both within the practice of my faith and the parts of my soul that would leave me half of a person if they ever dissolved from my soul.
Am I merely a born Goth, and have fought it for so long? Are any of you Goth? Have you always been? Were you raised Goth? Perhaps you are a "baby bat" like me, but are seeing parallels from throughout your life that have lead you to the same conclusion I have drawn here? If you are experiencing the culture as I am, do you feel a bit like an outsider? (I still wear colors and listen to much of the same music I've always enjoyed. However, I have been returning to Goth artists I used to listen to and sampling other albums previously not heard.) I realize this is an incredibly rambling post, but it is exciting to me. Having come to this realization, I feel as though a part of me, long-rejected, has come home. It is a warm sweetness, and a calm I have not felt since I first came to The Path. As such, I feel a deeper pocket of power now available to me.
My treasured drawings featured the lighter side of the ethereal all throughout elementary and middle school, even if my games and silent personal musings dwelled on the possibilities of those hidden from view. The creatures there certainly made sure I never forgot their existence. Even now, I feel someone looking over my shoulder as I type this. Could be my dad. (Ever since he passed, he turns up randomly and irritates me until I chase him away again.) Could be someone I never knew. Could just be another energy I grew up fearing but have accepted as I have accepted the lighter side energies. The point is the acknowledgment of the eternal, and the eventual embrace if the whole. High school, as it is with many people, due to puberty and its nasty hormonal surges, opened the gate for all manner of expression and all muses that cared to step forward.
My faerie and otherwise cheery characters took on more emaciated and sickly inspirations. Creatures grew fangs drenched in blood (my fascination with vampires deepened), ribs became more pronounced and cheekbones began a subtle protrusion, nails were now claws and talons. Nothing was safe from my shadows' gaze. The more I carved those deep lines, the more intrigued I was by "ugly" nature. Insects and decay were in direct opposition to the giggling prisms of rainbow light in which I dressed myself.
My sister closest in age to me and I have often been mistaken for twins, but we are nearly two years apart in age. Further, in high school, she was, essentially, everything I hid of myself from the world. While I painted my bedroom blue with murals of unicorns, faeries, jesters, and flowers, and danced around to oldies, boy and girl bands, and spoke only of hope and uplifting cheer, she hid away in her dark grey room, shielded from sunlight by heavy red velvet curtains, listening to Korn, Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, and Static X. I maintained throughout those early years that I detested the darkness of her room, drama of her crazy hair and makeup, and angry tunes that emanated from her very being. (Though, I must point out that we would listen to The Cure, Cruxshadows, and Voltaire together.) Yet, out and about, and as I became more comfortable with myself, these protestations began to fall away.
Fully realizing my Path, death and decay were finally openly accepted for their beauty in the natural progression of all things. The shadows, creatures, insects, and sadness that I continually pushed away or inwardly repressed were brought out to meet the light. A balance was struck. As we all know here, balance is required for all things to work in harmony. The color black was acknowledged as much as those of the rainbow, the bleached bones of beasts were appreciated for the structure they once provided, shells of previous crawling critters discarded by the mini souls once trapped within were collected for both decoration and magical aid.
Since my recent appreciation of the Goth culture, I am seeing all of these things (and so much more) that have been parts of me since the very beginning turning up time and again in Goth references. Yet, they all just make sense both within the practice of my faith and the parts of my soul that would leave me half of a person if they ever dissolved from my soul.
Am I merely a born Goth, and have fought it for so long? Are any of you Goth? Have you always been? Were you raised Goth? Perhaps you are a "baby bat" like me, but are seeing parallels from throughout your life that have lead you to the same conclusion I have drawn here? If you are experiencing the culture as I am, do you feel a bit like an outsider? (I still wear colors and listen to much of the same music I've always enjoyed. However, I have been returning to Goth artists I used to listen to and sampling other albums previously not heard.) I realize this is an incredibly rambling post, but it is exciting to me. Having come to this realization, I feel as though a part of me, long-rejected, has come home. It is a warm sweetness, and a calm I have not felt since I first came to The Path. As such, I feel a deeper pocket of power now available to me.
Friday, July 6, 2018
Perfect Day for Spirit Boarding!
Surfing around YouTube, looking for "spooky" content to watch while I eat breakfast on this overcast morning (which promises thunderstorms later! Yea!!), a WatchMojo video on the Ouija board caught my attention. It was as disappointing as most of their videos, but a quick look into the comments revealed a user who posted this:
"I'm so curious about the ouija board, but I don't want to risk myself."
Responses ranged from insults on the poster's intelligence to casual warnings to downright forbidding the use of a spirit board for fear of all of the terrible things that will happen! Being the bottomless pit of random facts and experiences that I am, and the ever helpful Pagan I find myself to be, I responded with the following:
Some people get results (planchette movement, answers to questions whether true or not, etc), and some people don't. I used it profusely when I was a teenager, even tried a couple of times by myself. I am still alive. Nothing terrible ever happened to my friends or me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. There are reports that show discoveries of the use of spirit boards as far back as Ancient Egypt. Regardless, if you are interested in trying, I suggest finding a couple of friends who are truly honest with you, and won't try to screw with you, before attempting on your own - only for the facts that you will have a basis of what to expect and how to respond if/when you do try it alone, and participants will remain respectful (aka: safe). Create a safe space. Some people freak out if it's in a house, but you're not in danger of inviting rude entities if you follow a few simple safety precautions. Never leave the planchette flipped up (as you would when using it) on the board without hands on it; turn it upside down if you must keep it with the board when not in use. Place four white candles at the four directions surrounding yourselves (North/South/East/West.) (Make doubly sure they are placed on fire safe holders/dishes on balanced surfaces so they can't fall over, and far enough away from everyone that a sudden silliness or response doesn't inadvertently knock them over. Be smart.) Once lit, and every one is sitting comfortably and safely inside the "circle," call on any past loved ones (truly call them - remember them fondly, the feeling you had when they were with you in the physical world, and visualize them as perfectly as you can to avoid spiritual confusion.) Their presence will also help protect you. Get something that is pure silver before you begin (not plated) and place it on the board after creating the circle and calling loved ones. Obviously, it will get pushed away if you begin speaking with anyone, but as long as it starts on the board, and stays in your "circle" you should be fine. Anything silver will work, by the way, regardless of size. When everyone is ready, flip the planchette to its upright position. Finally, just be respectful of all entities involved. If you don't get cocky, presumptuous, overly silly (especially with honest, kind, and serious energies), you and your friends will be perfectly fine. Definitely say goodbye and push the planchette to "Goodbye" when you feel uncomfortable, or when ending contact or use of the board, though. It's respectful and provides enough closure to keep unwanted contact down to a minimal. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, and I will be glad to elaborate or point you in the right direction if I don't have answers. :) Be safe and have fun.
I feel truly pleased with this response, and that I covered the same exact knowledge my friends and I had going into our own Ouija board use as young teenagers. I haven't had the opportunity to use one since, but, as stated, I never had any adverse effects or experiences using these precautions. And I adore, seemingly more than anything, introducing folks of all ages to the use of this endless spiritual knowledge that is available to all if we simply open the door with perfect love and perfect trust.
Well, I'm off to flip through my books and see what magicks I can conjure on what promises to be a strikingly energectic power day!
"I'm so curious about the ouija board, but I don't want to risk myself."
Responses ranged from insults on the poster's intelligence to casual warnings to downright forbidding the use of a spirit board for fear of all of the terrible things that will happen! Being the bottomless pit of random facts and experiences that I am, and the ever helpful Pagan I find myself to be, I responded with the following:
Some people get results (planchette movement, answers to questions whether true or not, etc), and some people don't. I used it profusely when I was a teenager, even tried a couple of times by myself. I am still alive. Nothing terrible ever happened to my friends or me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. There are reports that show discoveries of the use of spirit boards as far back as Ancient Egypt. Regardless, if you are interested in trying, I suggest finding a couple of friends who are truly honest with you, and won't try to screw with you, before attempting on your own - only for the facts that you will have a basis of what to expect and how to respond if/when you do try it alone, and participants will remain respectful (aka: safe). Create a safe space. Some people freak out if it's in a house, but you're not in danger of inviting rude entities if you follow a few simple safety precautions. Never leave the planchette flipped up (as you would when using it) on the board without hands on it; turn it upside down if you must keep it with the board when not in use. Place four white candles at the four directions surrounding yourselves (North/South/East/West.) (Make doubly sure they are placed on fire safe holders/dishes on balanced surfaces so they can't fall over, and far enough away from everyone that a sudden silliness or response doesn't inadvertently knock them over. Be smart.) Once lit, and every one is sitting comfortably and safely inside the "circle," call on any past loved ones (truly call them - remember them fondly, the feeling you had when they were with you in the physical world, and visualize them as perfectly as you can to avoid spiritual confusion.) Their presence will also help protect you. Get something that is pure silver before you begin (not plated) and place it on the board after creating the circle and calling loved ones. Obviously, it will get pushed away if you begin speaking with anyone, but as long as it starts on the board, and stays in your "circle" you should be fine. Anything silver will work, by the way, regardless of size. When everyone is ready, flip the planchette to its upright position. Finally, just be respectful of all entities involved. If you don't get cocky, presumptuous, overly silly (especially with honest, kind, and serious energies), you and your friends will be perfectly fine. Definitely say goodbye and push the planchette to "Goodbye" when you feel uncomfortable, or when ending contact or use of the board, though. It's respectful and provides enough closure to keep unwanted contact down to a minimal. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, and I will be glad to elaborate or point you in the right direction if I don't have answers. :) Be safe and have fun.
I feel truly pleased with this response, and that I covered the same exact knowledge my friends and I had going into our own Ouija board use as young teenagers. I haven't had the opportunity to use one since, but, as stated, I never had any adverse effects or experiences using these precautions. And I adore, seemingly more than anything, introducing folks of all ages to the use of this endless spiritual knowledge that is available to all if we simply open the door with perfect love and perfect trust.
Well, I'm off to flip through my books and see what magicks I can conjure on what promises to be a strikingly energectic power day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter