It's never enough. I was single for roughly seven years. (Those failed attempts at relationships in the past few years don't count, because love was never truly exchanged.) Now, happily...ish, I find myself nearly seven months into a new relationship. He is everything I've always wanted and needed, and some things I never knew I wanted (and needed.) He is my Sun, Moon, and all of my stars.
Then there's that "ish."
We're moving together, but at different paces. Think of me walking a few steps ahead of him. We're going in the same direction with (I'm fairly certain) the same endgame in mind. But I feel disjointed. I want him to move at a pace that works for him, but I'm getting impatient.
Why can't knowing I am with this incredible man be enough? Why do I have to second guess myself, or him?
And, bad Pagan! I found myself flipping through one of my BoSs the other day. Boo! Hiss! I know. I haven't considered that option since I was new to the Path in high school. I know better, and would never resort to manipulation. But when you are ready to move forward, and the loneliness is comparative to that experienced when you were single, how can you stay strong?
I want him to realize that I am not going anywhere, I have a love so pure that begs to be shared, and want him to continue to grow and be who he is, so there is no need to be afraid to leap. I'm all in.
Is the question, then, not "Why isn't being in a relationship enough for me?" but rather, "Am I just not enough?"
Have you found your Sun and Moon? Did you wonder if he/she felt less than excited in the beginning? How did it pan out? Naturally, I'm afraid of the answers. Also, my over thinking could well be that my hypothyroid is out of whack again. Ugh...