Want to know what it feels like to want to tear your own skin completely off? Be me for a day or two and you'll come to know that feeling oh so well. Not just any day or two, mind, but days when guys are inserted into my everyday thinking. For instance, remember my last post? You do, but here's a refresher. I "cut myself loose from fella #1" because I felt that his interest had waned. Regardless of that, I still wanted him. In fact, no lie, I still do. Anyway, after I posted that blog, he texted me saying that he's sorry, he's been busy, but he wanted to talk to me soon. I responded a day later with, "You're always busy. It's your schtick. What's up? Sounds important." Unemotional, I thought. Then, I didn't hear from him again. Being stuck in gear, I texted him again, a day later. "Praying to the Niquil gods tonight. I hope you got over whatever it was you had." (He had been sick the last time I saw him...a week prior.) Still no word.
Then, tonight, he called.
"This is a surprise," was my answer. We had a short chat about our respective days, then he dove right into it. He feels really bad that he's been so busy and our schedules just don't match up. He feels worse because he thinks I'm a great person, but he doesn't want me to think that he's stringing me along. He wants me to take opportunities with work and guys when I have them without worrying about getting together with him, because he doesn't know when we'll be able to get together. I thanked him for actually calling me to tell me this, rather than texting, or simply letting it go. He repeated that it was the right thing to do because he does like me, but right now is just not a good time. I told him that he should feel free to pursue others, too, if they come along and fit into his schedule. But he sort of brushed it off, and told me that he doesn't think that's going to happen the way his life is right now.
So, we left it at a sort of stalemate. We both want to see each other, but schedules conflict. I've got "#3" waiting for a call back (now that my voice is beginning to return), so I'm not putting my life on hold by any means. We agreed that we'd keep the lines of communication open and text or call when we have time, hopefully catch each other with time now and again. But it's so frustrating! Do I only want him because he's "unattainable"? Or do I want him for the reasons I like him? (Which are more than anyone knows.) I'd like to think it's the latter, but what difference would it make? I'm screaming inside my skull, right now, pleading with the Universe to make my lessons a little easier! But it's not bloody listening! I mean, to anyone outside of the situation, the answer is pretty damn obvious. But from the inside, where the heart that is doing all of the feeling and the brain that is doing all of the over-thinking reside? Yeah, the soul inside this skin is begging for a reprieve.
Dragonfly, Crow and Rabbit have been trying to tell me things all Spring and Summer, too. What the hell do you guys want from me?!