Truly

**Note: This was composed the morning of November 14, but we don't have internet at the house, so it had to wait.)
Well, my lovelies! My dear, dear, dedicated readers! Here we are again. Many moons have shone their glowing faces, and hidden themselves away just as often since last we met over a cuppa. Though, having done some searching through my feed, it seems I may be one of the last of a dying breed on this simple little blogger site. Comments, these days are such obvious spam, too. Perhaps I write only for the automated masses, nurturing them in their determination to improve not only their vocabulary, but their delivery and construction of sentences. My spammers are quite verbose and roundabout in their points, much like Dickens. I, too, follow such a stream in my writing. So, here it is. My spambots have learned from me, and they make beautiful, almost comprehensible points from time to time. There’s my immortality, then!
Leaving these thoughts behind, I sip my homemade hot chocolate, snuggled into my fluffy throw on my little loveseat, feeling the burgeoning season tap-tap-tapping on my heart and mind. We had our first snow of the season two nights ago! Lovely! Truly.
And happy, too.
Truly.
I have been through a few things in the past couple of years, as you may well know. Venus in Retrograde was the beginning of my most recent journey. Although, no; I think perhaps my past life regression with Khadija is the more responsible for my heart’s turnings, musings, and changes. What deep heartache I have felt over lifetimes! My ready acceptance of death and loss, I had thought, were from seeing death from an early age in this life, and watching it move carefully and strategically through the years. Of course, it never gets easier; especially not this time of year. Glancing back into snippets of two of my lives and seeing who and what was taken from me, still physically and emotionally affecting me, brought me to understand that I have developed this acceptance over lifetimes. I came into this life knowing death and making it a friend rather than a foe that must be overcome. Death cannot be overcome. It comes for us all one day (or many days, depending upon how many lives we need to learn our lessons.) Truly, it doesn’t make the loss any easier. Not ever. Knowing someone who is sick for ages doesn’t make their passing any easier than the sudden death of someone who “had so much to live for.” But acceptance allows us to appreciate what we have now. Acceptance allows us to live now, rather than fear the possibility. It will come, so embrace each other now. It will come, so be good to each other. It will come, so make memories before it’s too late.
Wow! I really do go to some dark places when left unchecked, huh? I’m a secret Goth. I’ve come to that conclusion, and I’m totally cool with it. It’s actually really funny when I go off on tangents like that to people who have just met me. My giggly exterior throws them way off! Haha!
I digress.
I am happy. My dear, sweet S and I are coming up on one year of dating. We’ve both changed more than I thought possible for either of us in the ten years we were apart. Solo-living soul searching on my end, (DEEP soul searching; the kind that tugs on your skirt hem and asks innocently, “What’s the real harm in dabbling a little in Necromancy? Just take a look at it? What’s so bad about having a little darkness at your beck and call when you need it?” Yeah, I went way into my shadow side.) and a hard life on the road for S, we have learned so much about ourselves and what we are really aiming for in this life. He isn’t spiritual in the same way I am, but he has developed a sense of purpose through his own studies of Buddhism and his heart. I have learned to stand on my own and stand my ground when I feel it necessary. He has learned to appreciate the good in his life, and truly be thankful for the gifts the universe bestows. In my regression, however, I was met with a soul who was my dearest friend and confidante in both lives revealed. Indeed, I loved them with all of my heart, as one loves their very best friend, regardless of where or how far away life may take them. S, I am certain, is that soul. In my first life, he was an older man of the town; well-respected by all; high in the governing body (small as it was – it was a small, Finnish settlement in the early days of Delaware.) Though I was merely a cunning woman, living alone on the outskirts of the village, having left Finland on my own, and the townsfolk were not too fond of me (even if they did come to me from time to time for assistance), this man was my friend. He gave me advice. We spent many long hours discussing any number of topics. He was always concerned for my well-being, and I admired and adored him for his caring heart and friendship. (He was also a bit of a silver fox, since I’m revealing all. 😉 ) And when my cottage burned to the ground, we were sorry to part.
In Victorian England, I was a lawyer who did well enough for myself that I lived quite comfortably in town. S, in that life, was a beautiful woman (even now I can still recall her in a sweet, subtly laced-trimmed day gown in pink, her hair piled in curls atop her head, her cheeks matching the blush of her dress, and her coy but pointed remarks.) I loved her. Truly. She loved me, too, and we were always the best of friends, but I let another man win the prize. I didn’t fight for her, and I never wed nor had children. She lived happily enough, and her husband knew nothing would come of our remaining such close friends. So we did, but only friends.
Who knows what other incarnations we assumed in other lives, but I know we always remained apart. Finally, this life, my Gemini North Node has opened the door to our being together. It’s a difficult transition, though. One might think, “You love him so much, and have been kept apart for so long! Surely you know enough to jump at the chance?!” Not so easy, dear reader. I have spent so many lifetimes hermitted away, learning the things I yearned to know, learning everything about myself that I dared know, re-entering the populace to share what I know and CONNECTING with people isn’t so easy. Gemini North Node is a gift for my heart, but it is also my life’s purpose and lesson in this here and now. Such a gift can also be a burden. As well it should be! Nothing worth doing or knowing has ever been easy.
Ah! But here we are! Cozy and warm and content and in love in our little apartment! He accepts and meets his responsibilities with dignity and strength (a big change for him, truly), all the while making sure I know how much he loves and appreciates me every day. I relish in my delight for “playing house,” as I try new recipes, filling our home with my love for him in my favorite ways (cooking, cleaning, organizing, decorating, doing random art – go ahead feminists, lose your freaking minds! I don’t care!) We play video games, boards games, and card games, watch movies, discuss the news, take walks, do art, laugh, love, and live. Together. We share our strengths and weaknesses without gloating or impatience. We hold each other when we weep, and sit silently when nothing said will make it better. We celebrate our triumphs and laugh off our failures, because nothing, NOTHING is worse than losing love again. We have found our “forever home” is each other’s heart.
And all of that is why I am heralding the winter season and all of it’s delights!
We’re going to have our very first, full-sized tree this year! For the three years we were together over a decade ago, we were only able to fit a dinky, little, fake, pre-lit table-top tree. He tells me not to disparage it, because it still got the job done. And he is right, of course, but now, not only is this going to be our first full-sized tree, it will also me MY first full-sized tree. I grew up with a fake tree for years. When we moved out east and stored it (and ALL of our childhood ornaments) in the basement, we found it covered in mold and had to throw it all away. That year, we had a real tree, but had to buy generic ornaments. That became the tradition throughout my school-aged years. I graduated, and moved in with Auntie, Uncle, and the dogs. Here, we also had a real tree pretty much every year. But here, Auntie (who is just as crazy for Xmas as I am) and I made our own ornaments depending on the theme each year. Years later, I rented my eldest sister’s house by myself, so just kept using that dinky, little pre-lit fake tree from my then-failed relationship. Why get a whole tree when I didn’t plan on having guests, nor did I want a fake tree because I knew not whether or would have storage in my next move. And further, in Witch Cottage (that dedicated readers know well), I had no space for a full-sized tree (fake or otherwise.) Ah! But here! Now! S and I will have our cozy, sweet, complete holiday tree! I’ve even made some ornaments! (The cinnamon kind you have to bake! I shall post pictures; this I vow.) I also still have my plastic Yule icicles, and have scavenged some nice ornaments my boss was going to toss after our Christmas in July week at work this year.
What are you doing this year that you have always wanted to do, or haven’t done in so long that you can hardly wait? Do you get melancholy this time of year? If so, what are you going to do this year that your melancholy is helping to fix? Regardless of what you celebrate (Yule, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, a day off, etc.), I hope the season begins and ends in love, beauty, and grace.
(Photos to come. I promise. But, like, for real this time.)
(Truly.)

We Create Opportunites

Though I am nowhere near financially ready to become a homeowner, I often think as I pass certain houses on my daily commute, "That one. That house is just so cute, and it looks like it has almost all of the features I want. I want that house." And, Presto! That house is suddenly on the market with a big, bold sign out in front, as if the house itself was flagging me down each day. "Hey! Look! I'm available just as you wished!" A few days or weeks later (rarely months), the familiar, red SOLD banner would be plastered across the original sign, and the house becomes the home to another family. Sometimes I would be frustrated that I was not the one lucky enough to be able to snatch it up right away. Though, most times, these missed opportunities that I feel sure I made for myself with the kind and gentle assistance of the Universal Powers That Be have been boosts in my determination. "Next time, a space will be ready for me. I will be ready for that space."
The world today is tough for a woman earning minimum wage at full time with only one job. All of my energy work has yet to yield a miraculous lottery win that will afford me my perfect home, paid in full and fully furnished as I see fit. It would have to be miraculous, you see; I don't play the lottery. However, too many people buy into "The Secret" that simply putting words into the Energy will manifest what you need with no further input required. Those of us in the know can tell you that this is not entirely true. Leonardo DaVinci's wise words in Ever After are constantly at the back of my mind. "You cannot leave everything to Fate. […] Sometimes you must give Her a hand!"

So, while I would just love to wish and sit back and wait for the magic to happen, that is not realistic. We make our own opportunities. Some do not see this as energy work, but merely as adulting and moving through life, doing what you must to get what you want. For me, though, it is different. I see such striking correlations between what I ask of the Universe and what is laid before me that I feel my energy work is the catalyst that opens these chances to me and my life. The information is entered into the database, creating a basic map, and the Universal printer pops out that same map with landmarks to make my journey easier to navigate. Her hints, tips, and tricks are made readily available to me simply because I asked, but I still have to take the steps and reach the checkpoints.
Recently, an apartment I have been wondering about (fairly regularly for at least a year) has become a possibility for my new home within the next month. It is a little out of my price range. Some nearby, part time jobs have recently come available within walking distance of said apartment (and it is within walking distance of my full time job!) Minimum wage in Massachusetts went up this January. Further, I have a few weeks with which I can apply, begin, train, and earn supplemental income at a part time job so I can be ready and able to take up residence at this wonderful opportunity made by me in collaboration with The Universe and Her kind, helpful Energy.
We create our own opportunities. It's up to us whether or not we take advantage of them when they manifest.

On the Inner Work of Wintertime

Though the Solstice brings hope and slowly increasing daylight hours, many are temporarily changed by Seasonal Affective Disorder. The Soul feels only the cold and sees only the darkness. Yet, what better time does the year afford to dive deep within and work on ourselves than that which makes staying in and cozying up in soft layers all the more perfect? For me, it is the moments of frustration with self limitations and the recollections of past rejections that stimulate the awareness of the need to look within for change and growth. Often, the winter months are the times in which I am thrown into these melancholic musings. Here I find myself, again, turning to my books and journals, ready to wade into the dark depths and see what currents will sweep me along to new shores of self-realization. My journey awaits.
Exactly two years and ten days ago I began inner work guided by Devin Hunter through his book The Witch's Book of Power. Sadly, though my journal reads that I made a strong start, I set it aside for whatever reasons there may have been; life often gets in the way. However, life will always get in the way if we let it. Part of the Power I seek to gain is the ability to grow, nurture, and use my energy and gifts in spite of life. Nearly every day from as far back as I can remember has been one of self-exploration and desire to grow into the person and soul that I both want and feel I am meant to become.
The Deities hold a stock in me and are constantly checking in to see how it matures. This is something I have been sure of since early childhood, when I could see and hear things that I was told weren't there. I had an early affinity for psychic leanings and enjoyed the many deja-vu moments I experienced when other children were left frightened by the feelings they couldn't understand. The colors of my life have been blue (the color of the Goddess), green (the color of growth), and red (the color of psychic ability.) Sadly, my fear of success often wins over my fear of failure, and the closer I get to achieving the spiritual greatness that is inherent in this life, the more likely I am to self-sabotage.
This is my numerology year 8 (on several levels), however, so management and organization to set myself up for the future I am slated to have will help steer my hand toward gentler self-care and progress. Through Venus Retrograde investigation last year, I recognized a tendency in myself to dissolve in relationships. This is a constant struggle, but, as with most things, changing it gets easier with practice. I am a soul in constant states of change and growth. As such, I am determined to remain whole and stand and be seen in all relationships - including that which I have with myself - and the promises I made before birth to the Greater Beings. A part of their magick and wonder is within me - as it is within you - and turning my back on the nurturing of that powerful seed in unacceptable. This is my Reboot button on finding my Power, learning how to hold and work it, and doing the good that I am contracted to do in this life.
Have you found your Power? Do you work with it daily? Weekly? How many times have you lost track and needed to clear the path of life's overgrowth to get back to your Core?