Truly

**Note: This was composed the morning of November 14, but we don't have internet at the house, so it had to wait.)
Well, my lovelies! My dear, dear, dedicated readers! Here we are again. Many moons have shone their glowing faces, and hidden themselves away just as often since last we met over a cuppa. Though, having done some searching through my feed, it seems I may be one of the last of a dying breed on this simple little blogger site. Comments, these days are such obvious spam, too. Perhaps I write only for the automated masses, nurturing them in their determination to improve not only their vocabulary, but their delivery and construction of sentences. My spammers are quite verbose and roundabout in their points, much like Dickens. I, too, follow such a stream in my writing. So, here it is. My spambots have learned from me, and they make beautiful, almost comprehensible points from time to time. There’s my immortality, then!
Leaving these thoughts behind, I sip my homemade hot chocolate, snuggled into my fluffy throw on my little loveseat, feeling the burgeoning season tap-tap-tapping on my heart and mind. We had our first snow of the season two nights ago! Lovely! Truly.
And happy, too.
Truly.
I have been through a few things in the past couple of years, as you may well know. Venus in Retrograde was the beginning of my most recent journey. Although, no; I think perhaps my past life regression with Khadija is the more responsible for my heart’s turnings, musings, and changes. What deep heartache I have felt over lifetimes! My ready acceptance of death and loss, I had thought, were from seeing death from an early age in this life, and watching it move carefully and strategically through the years. Of course, it never gets easier; especially not this time of year. Glancing back into snippets of two of my lives and seeing who and what was taken from me, still physically and emotionally affecting me, brought me to understand that I have developed this acceptance over lifetimes. I came into this life knowing death and making it a friend rather than a foe that must be overcome. Death cannot be overcome. It comes for us all one day (or many days, depending upon how many lives we need to learn our lessons.) Truly, it doesn’t make the loss any easier. Not ever. Knowing someone who is sick for ages doesn’t make their passing any easier than the sudden death of someone who “had so much to live for.” But acceptance allows us to appreciate what we have now. Acceptance allows us to live now, rather than fear the possibility. It will come, so embrace each other now. It will come, so be good to each other. It will come, so make memories before it’s too late.
Wow! I really do go to some dark places when left unchecked, huh? I’m a secret Goth. I’ve come to that conclusion, and I’m totally cool with it. It’s actually really funny when I go off on tangents like that to people who have just met me. My giggly exterior throws them way off! Haha!
I digress.
I am happy. My dear, sweet S and I are coming up on one year of dating. We’ve both changed more than I thought possible for either of us in the ten years we were apart. Solo-living soul searching on my end, (DEEP soul searching; the kind that tugs on your skirt hem and asks innocently, “What’s the real harm in dabbling a little in Necromancy? Just take a look at it? What’s so bad about having a little darkness at your beck and call when you need it?” Yeah, I went way into my shadow side.) and a hard life on the road for S, we have learned so much about ourselves and what we are really aiming for in this life. He isn’t spiritual in the same way I am, but he has developed a sense of purpose through his own studies of Buddhism and his heart. I have learned to stand on my own and stand my ground when I feel it necessary. He has learned to appreciate the good in his life, and truly be thankful for the gifts the universe bestows. In my regression, however, I was met with a soul who was my dearest friend and confidante in both lives revealed. Indeed, I loved them with all of my heart, as one loves their very best friend, regardless of where or how far away life may take them. S, I am certain, is that soul. In my first life, he was an older man of the town; well-respected by all; high in the governing body (small as it was – it was a small, Finnish settlement in the early days of Delaware.) Though I was merely a cunning woman, living alone on the outskirts of the village, having left Finland on my own, and the townsfolk were not too fond of me (even if they did come to me from time to time for assistance), this man was my friend. He gave me advice. We spent many long hours discussing any number of topics. He was always concerned for my well-being, and I admired and adored him for his caring heart and friendship. (He was also a bit of a silver fox, since I’m revealing all. 😉 ) And when my cottage burned to the ground, we were sorry to part.
In Victorian England, I was a lawyer who did well enough for myself that I lived quite comfortably in town. S, in that life, was a beautiful woman (even now I can still recall her in a sweet, subtly laced-trimmed day gown in pink, her hair piled in curls atop her head, her cheeks matching the blush of her dress, and her coy but pointed remarks.) I loved her. Truly. She loved me, too, and we were always the best of friends, but I let another man win the prize. I didn’t fight for her, and I never wed nor had children. She lived happily enough, and her husband knew nothing would come of our remaining such close friends. So we did, but only friends.
Who knows what other incarnations we assumed in other lives, but I know we always remained apart. Finally, this life, my Gemini North Node has opened the door to our being together. It’s a difficult transition, though. One might think, “You love him so much, and have been kept apart for so long! Surely you know enough to jump at the chance?!” Not so easy, dear reader. I have spent so many lifetimes hermitted away, learning the things I yearned to know, learning everything about myself that I dared know, re-entering the populace to share what I know and CONNECTING with people isn’t so easy. Gemini North Node is a gift for my heart, but it is also my life’s purpose and lesson in this here and now. Such a gift can also be a burden. As well it should be! Nothing worth doing or knowing has ever been easy.
Ah! But here we are! Cozy and warm and content and in love in our little apartment! He accepts and meets his responsibilities with dignity and strength (a big change for him, truly), all the while making sure I know how much he loves and appreciates me every day. I relish in my delight for “playing house,” as I try new recipes, filling our home with my love for him in my favorite ways (cooking, cleaning, organizing, decorating, doing random art – go ahead feminists, lose your freaking minds! I don’t care!) We play video games, boards games, and card games, watch movies, discuss the news, take walks, do art, laugh, love, and live. Together. We share our strengths and weaknesses without gloating or impatience. We hold each other when we weep, and sit silently when nothing said will make it better. We celebrate our triumphs and laugh off our failures, because nothing, NOTHING is worse than losing love again. We have found our “forever home” is each other’s heart.
And all of that is why I am heralding the winter season and all of it’s delights!
We’re going to have our very first, full-sized tree this year! For the three years we were together over a decade ago, we were only able to fit a dinky, little, fake, pre-lit table-top tree. He tells me not to disparage it, because it still got the job done. And he is right, of course, but now, not only is this going to be our first full-sized tree, it will also me MY first full-sized tree. I grew up with a fake tree for years. When we moved out east and stored it (and ALL of our childhood ornaments) in the basement, we found it covered in mold and had to throw it all away. That year, we had a real tree, but had to buy generic ornaments. That became the tradition throughout my school-aged years. I graduated, and moved in with Auntie, Uncle, and the dogs. Here, we also had a real tree pretty much every year. But here, Auntie (who is just as crazy for Xmas as I am) and I made our own ornaments depending on the theme each year. Years later, I rented my eldest sister’s house by myself, so just kept using that dinky, little pre-lit fake tree from my then-failed relationship. Why get a whole tree when I didn’t plan on having guests, nor did I want a fake tree because I knew not whether or would have storage in my next move. And further, in Witch Cottage (that dedicated readers know well), I had no space for a full-sized tree (fake or otherwise.) Ah! But here! Now! S and I will have our cozy, sweet, complete holiday tree! I’ve even made some ornaments! (The cinnamon kind you have to bake! I shall post pictures; this I vow.) I also still have my plastic Yule icicles, and have scavenged some nice ornaments my boss was going to toss after our Christmas in July week at work this year.
What are you doing this year that you have always wanted to do, or haven’t done in so long that you can hardly wait? Do you get melancholy this time of year? If so, what are you going to do this year that your melancholy is helping to fix? Regardless of what you celebrate (Yule, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, a day off, etc.), I hope the season begins and ends in love, beauty, and grace.
(Photos to come. I promise. But, like, for real this time.)
(Truly.)