GrrrrrrrAGH!!!

Want to know what it feels like to want to tear your own skin completely off? Be me for a day or two and you'll come to know that feeling oh so well. Not just any day or two, mind, but days when guys are inserted into my everyday thinking. For instance, remember my last post? You do, but here's a refresher. I "cut myself loose from fella #1" because I felt that his interest had waned. Regardless of that, I still wanted him. In fact, no lie, I still do. Anyway, after I posted that blog, he texted me saying that he's sorry, he's been busy, but he wanted to talk to me soon. I responded a day later with, "You're always busy. It's your schtick. What's up? Sounds important." Unemotional, I thought. Then, I didn't hear from him again. Being stuck in gear, I texted him again, a day later. "Praying to the Niquil gods tonight. I hope you got over whatever it was you had." (He had been sick the last time I saw him...a week prior.) Still no word.
Then, tonight, he called.
"This is a surprise," was my answer. We had a short chat about our respective days, then he dove right into it. He feels really bad that he's been so busy and our schedules just don't match up. He feels worse because he thinks I'm a great person, but he doesn't want me to think that he's stringing me along. He wants me to take opportunities with work and guys when I have them without worrying about getting together with him, because he doesn't know when we'll be able to get together. I thanked him for actually calling me to tell me this, rather than texting, or simply letting it go. He repeated that it was the right thing to do because he does like me, but right now is just not a good time. I told him that he should feel free to pursue others, too, if they come along and fit into his schedule. But he sort of brushed it off, and told me that he doesn't think that's going to happen the way his life is right now.
So, we left it at a sort of stalemate. We both want to see each other, but schedules conflict. I've got "#3" waiting for a call back (now that my voice is beginning to return), so I'm not putting my life on hold by any means. We agreed that we'd keep the lines of communication open and text or call when we have time, hopefully catch each other with time now and again. But it's so frustrating! Do I only want him because he's "unattainable"? Or do I want him for the reasons I like him? (Which are more than anyone knows.) I'd like to think it's the latter, but what difference would it make? I'm screaming inside my skull, right now, pleading with the Universe to make my lessons a little easier! But it's not bloody listening! I mean, to anyone outside of the situation, the answer is pretty damn obvious. But from the inside, where the heart that is doing all of the feeling and the brain that is doing all of the over-thinking reside? Yeah, the soul inside this skin is begging for a reprieve.
Dragonfly, Crow and Rabbit have been trying to tell me things all Spring and Summer, too. What the hell do you guys want from me?!

Forget It

We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us, right? Well, I'm giving up on Fella #1 after today. Long story short, I propose plans quite a lot, but he, for one reason or another turns them down. So, for that reason, I'm done with him. If there is any further texting (because calls just don't happen), it'll be initiated by him. That being the case, it's pretty much over and done. I don't see him taking that step. His interest has obviously waned, and I'm cutting myself loose.
It's the fourth of July, though, and there is fun to be had downtown, tonight. So, I invited #2 to join us at the boat contest. Should be good. #3 now has my number, and lives considerably nearer than #s 1 and 2. This summer is getting quite dramatic and frustrating interesting.
Stay tuned.

Boys! Boys! Boys!

What a complete about-face! My love life, as you well know, dear readers, has been an open book for all to read. It's just the sort of person I am. Kiss and tell, don't kiss but tell about it anyway, don't have anyone to kiss or get kissed by, don't care about kisses! It's all been here. Honestly, every time I've changed jobs, I've told myself it will be different. My personal life will remain personal.
Nope. Doesn't happen. I like gabbing, I guess.
Right now, I'm too lazy to go back and look, but I think that my last post about being single was probably one of my "I am woman; hear me roar! I don't need a man!!" rants. We've all felt that pang of loneliness that can't be filled by friends or family. Deny if you must, but we've all felt it.
Let me tell you: when it rains, it pours! That old chestnut speaks volumes of truth. Not one, but two coworkers and a friend have fellas they think would be good with/for me. That's three guys! All in the space of one month! So far, I've only met two. One doesn't really have a whole lot of time on his hands, but he is such a gentleman. And handsome! (Think Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride, or more accurately Robin Hood: Men in Tights. This guy's got a gotee. Oh! How I love gotee's when adored by the right kinds of faces!) We've had a few opportunities to meet up and have some fun, some serious, but always lovely conversations. The more we chat, the more I can see that we have in common. There are a couple of aspects of his life that aren't major parts of mine, but I don't want to date myself and have every little thing in common with my guy. We must have some differences. And this man and I do. I like him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel pretty. Even though we don't get to see each other very often, I'm actually quite content. I wasn't sure if he actually liked me, at first. But after we had a little conversation, we both realized that we were doing exactly what we thought the other was doing: pushing each other away. That simply wasn't the case.
The second guy is nice enough. We seem to have a few things in common, as well. I'm not feeling the "spark" I felt instantly with the first guy, but I haven't really had as long to get to know #2, either. We'll see where these fellas go.
#3 sounds nice. I'm told he's handsome with a dark sense of humor. That will complement my humor nicely.
I like the fact that the Universe has suddenly thrown me into the dating scene with such vigor! The guys are all so different, but still hold such possibility for me. My intent is never to change someone so they become my perfect "other." I want someone who can be with me as I am, while I can be with him as he is. Harmony in contentment; that is my wish for whichever man with whom I end up becoming seriously involved. And who, dear reader, can really want more than that?

Cycles, Ever Spiraling Up and Down

While I'm not quite certain just what motivates me to post once again, out of the blue, I am certainly not at a loss for news. The biggest change in my life that has thrown my life into a new spiral was my father's death in April. Those of you that have been following regularly (or, rather, whenever the muses have pushed me to post) know that my relationships with my parents have not been great in the past five or so years. My father and I, for those of you who don't know, have been at odds since I was about 5 or 6. It came to a head when I was a young teen, then, in the year before his death, I just stopped speaking or interacting with him at all. So, when my sister called to tell me that he had six months to live, I said, "Let me know if he asks for me. Otherwise, I've said my goodbyes already."

Harsh, I know. But we all deal with life and its trials and tribulations in the best ways we can. We do what we can to keep ourselves sane.

Then, I heard his time was shortened to two weeks. And it hit me, then. No matter what horrors we (my siblings, aunt and I) were forced to endure at this man's hands, I didn't want to continue that pain and hurt. That loneliness and remorse, that became so abundantly clear one night as I helped him eat his dinner at the facility, was like a red hot dagger. I used to be fully of the school of thought that "what one reaps, one must sow." I still cling to that, but we all make decisions and take turns down paths that cannot be unmade. That night, when he told me, "I'm glad you came," my heart broke a little. That deep loneliness (which, granted he brought upon himself through his ill treatment of his family) was such a limbo as I never would wish upon another soul.

Perhaps it was the way I was brought up; put the happiness of others before mine, no matter how they may treat me. Not a great lesson to learn, and quite difficult to unlearn. Going to the extreme of completely cutting someone out of my life was the only way I knew how to deal with it all. As I've said before, had he (or my mother) been complete strangers, I'd never have let them stay in my life. The simple, biological ties that bind needn't keep one in misery. Respect is earned; it's not a right. But there came a breaking point. I don't regret my decisions to cease communications with my parents. I needed to do that to figure out who I was. And you know something? It worked. But it's not for everybody.

In the five years before my father's death, I hadn't spoken a word to my mother. It was what I needed to do. I was determined to continue that path even while she was here comforting one of my sisters the in the days leading into his demise. Then, the day of, while my paternal aunt and uncle comforted me, my other sister and my brother-in-law, Mom came in with my sister and sis's boyfriend. I didn't even look at her through the anger in my heart at everything that was racing through my mind.

'How dare she? How can she be mourning this person that she no longer loved? How can she be so cruel as to throw her sadness into our lot? She doesn't know what it's like?'

By the end of that day, with my mother, siblings, brother-in-law and sister's boyfriend all around me I realized something major. My heart needed mending. I no longer wanted to be that angry person. Nursing that anger would end in one way, and one way only: loneliness. That same desolate, heartbreaking realization of dying truly alone that greedily ate away at my father's soul as he lay dying. How he endured it all these years, knowing (he must have had some inkling near the end) how much of it was his doing I will never know. I'll make damn sure of it.

So, I resolved to put the past where it belongs and try again with my mother. We speak now, as if nothing had happened. As long as the past doesn't repeat itself, I think that I am finally finding my way out of that murky depth which swallowed my father whole. It almost claimed my heart, too.

Almost.