Why Do I Do This To Myself?

It's getting dark.
I'm watching a show called "Ghost Adventures" on hulu. The guys that do the show are pretty ridiculous, but it's still spooky. I'm not a fan of the cut-scenes they use...or the spooky sounds...or the spooky music...
But I just can help myself!
Anyone else watch paranormal programs alone, in the dark, even though you know you're just making yourself sick with fear?
What fun!
*U_U*

What to do? What to do?

Now that I am back to a fairly regular 5-days-a-week schedule at work, days off have been more lazy. Granted, I vegged out today because I just spent the last week dog/house-sitting for a friend/co-worker. The pup and I had fun, and it was like a mini-holiday away from home (except that I still had to work during the majority of the stay.) Nevertheless, having a live housemate for a week, when I'm so used to being alone when I come home does tend to take a bit out of me. Friday was a dream, though! That was my last day off before today. Slept in an hour later than usual (so...woke up at 6:30am), took a lovely, long walk with the pup, had breakfast with her, then headed off to the Commons for a little "me time." Booked a haircut for the afternoon, grabbed a smoothie for lunch, made an appointment with a new optometrist, perused the shelves of the local bookstore, devoured a fair portion of a book bought from said shop, then had my haircut. Then, it was back to the house for another long walk with the pup, laundry, some more reading (outside on the porch)and dinner.
Later, I invited myself over to a friend's house, and we watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I'm not one for spectating. Heck! The only time I really remember paying attention was when Sarah Hughes won gold. I was so excited for her that I cried! It was thrilling. But it was actually really nice to watch it with someone who is very physically active (and it shows!) that actually gets into the stories of the players. Story short: we enjoyed ourselves.
I came home late last night, because my friend was returning very early this morning, and I didn't want to leave the little darling dog alone; especially since a fierce thunderstorm had begun the hour I was going to leave. She was shaking so violently that I put on some music, sat back down with her and read for a bit. I sang to her, too, in an attempt to drown out the thunder and soothe her a little. However, I don't think Journey was very soothing to her poor, raw nerves. The storm subsided a bit a couple of hours later, with it went her shakes. So, I loaded up the car, said my fond farewells, making sure to tell her that her "mommy" would be home soon and headed home.
Slept in until 6 this morning, then was up like a shot cleaning the house. It is incredible how quickly spiders will take over once their human has vacated for a few days! Those little (and big! Yikes!) suckers were everywhere! Then, I plugged my composting toilet back in, only to throw a fuse, causing my fridge and all of the kitchen outlets to snap off. What an ordeal! Luckily, it's just the toilet, and I'll just have to run it manually until a solution is found and carried out. No big deal; I've done that before when the mixing arm broke. If you're thinking about investing in a composting toilet, you would be better off investing your time into researching companies and models first. Very thoroughly. Cleaning, last bit of laundry and fuse business done, what did I do with the rest of my day? Well, friends, I checked all of my emails/websites that I haven't seen in a week (no internet at the house I was in), then went back through my favorite karaoke videos on YouTube, sang a few and made a list for a new, themed mix cd I want to make. After that? Watched a couple of videos of opera and reminded myself that I promised myself that I'd take voice lessons when my car was fixed. As far as I know, now, it's fixed. We'll see how much my new glasses/contacts cost next month, then go from there. I still plan on taking English riding lessons (in the Fall) and my first skydive (hopefully on my birthday weekend), so things may be a little pricey. But, you know? I've been yearning for voice lessons since high school, so I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it right. The plan is the go for private lessons through the Cape Cod Conservatory. I'm looking forward to the lessons, but so much more to the recitals. Singing in front of a crowd is easier than acting, in my opinion. You have music to follow, words that rhyme and it's over relatively quickly. Oh, yeah, and there are the compliments, too. Can't forget that.
Alright, kiddies, I'm off for the next thing for tonight. Who knows what that will be? I haven't run for a week or so. Maybe that'll be it. Then again, I haven't planned for any Sabbats for quite some time, and Lughnasadh is right around the corner! Anyone got anything special planned for the first harvest?

GrrrrrrrAGH!!!

Want to know what it feels like to want to tear your own skin completely off? Be me for a day or two and you'll come to know that feeling oh so well. Not just any day or two, mind, but days when guys are inserted into my everyday thinking. For instance, remember my last post? You do, but here's a refresher. I "cut myself loose from fella #1" because I felt that his interest had waned. Regardless of that, I still wanted him. In fact, no lie, I still do. Anyway, after I posted that blog, he texted me saying that he's sorry, he's been busy, but he wanted to talk to me soon. I responded a day later with, "You're always busy. It's your schtick. What's up? Sounds important." Unemotional, I thought. Then, I didn't hear from him again. Being stuck in gear, I texted him again, a day later. "Praying to the Niquil gods tonight. I hope you got over whatever it was you had." (He had been sick the last time I saw him...a week prior.) Still no word.
Then, tonight, he called.
"This is a surprise," was my answer. We had a short chat about our respective days, then he dove right into it. He feels really bad that he's been so busy and our schedules just don't match up. He feels worse because he thinks I'm a great person, but he doesn't want me to think that he's stringing me along. He wants me to take opportunities with work and guys when I have them without worrying about getting together with him, because he doesn't know when we'll be able to get together. I thanked him for actually calling me to tell me this, rather than texting, or simply letting it go. He repeated that it was the right thing to do because he does like me, but right now is just not a good time. I told him that he should feel free to pursue others, too, if they come along and fit into his schedule. But he sort of brushed it off, and told me that he doesn't think that's going to happen the way his life is right now.
So, we left it at a sort of stalemate. We both want to see each other, but schedules conflict. I've got "#3" waiting for a call back (now that my voice is beginning to return), so I'm not putting my life on hold by any means. We agreed that we'd keep the lines of communication open and text or call when we have time, hopefully catch each other with time now and again. But it's so frustrating! Do I only want him because he's "unattainable"? Or do I want him for the reasons I like him? (Which are more than anyone knows.) I'd like to think it's the latter, but what difference would it make? I'm screaming inside my skull, right now, pleading with the Universe to make my lessons a little easier! But it's not bloody listening! I mean, to anyone outside of the situation, the answer is pretty damn obvious. But from the inside, where the heart that is doing all of the feeling and the brain that is doing all of the over-thinking reside? Yeah, the soul inside this skin is begging for a reprieve.
Dragonfly, Crow and Rabbit have been trying to tell me things all Spring and Summer, too. What the hell do you guys want from me?!

Forget It

We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us, right? Well, I'm giving up on Fella #1 after today. Long story short, I propose plans quite a lot, but he, for one reason or another turns them down. So, for that reason, I'm done with him. If there is any further texting (because calls just don't happen), it'll be initiated by him. That being the case, it's pretty much over and done. I don't see him taking that step. His interest has obviously waned, and I'm cutting myself loose.
It's the fourth of July, though, and there is fun to be had downtown, tonight. So, I invited #2 to join us at the boat contest. Should be good. #3 now has my number, and lives considerably nearer than #s 1 and 2. This summer is getting quite dramatic and frustrating interesting.
Stay tuned.

Boys! Boys! Boys!

What a complete about-face! My love life, as you well know, dear readers, has been an open book for all to read. It's just the sort of person I am. Kiss and tell, don't kiss but tell about it anyway, don't have anyone to kiss or get kissed by, don't care about kisses! It's all been here. Honestly, every time I've changed jobs, I've told myself it will be different. My personal life will remain personal.
Nope. Doesn't happen. I like gabbing, I guess.
Right now, I'm too lazy to go back and look, but I think that my last post about being single was probably one of my "I am woman; hear me roar! I don't need a man!!" rants. We've all felt that pang of loneliness that can't be filled by friends or family. Deny if you must, but we've all felt it.
Let me tell you: when it rains, it pours! That old chestnut speaks volumes of truth. Not one, but two coworkers and a friend have fellas they think would be good with/for me. That's three guys! All in the space of one month! So far, I've only met two. One doesn't really have a whole lot of time on his hands, but he is such a gentleman. And handsome! (Think Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride, or more accurately Robin Hood: Men in Tights. This guy's got a gotee. Oh! How I love gotee's when adored by the right kinds of faces!) We've had a few opportunities to meet up and have some fun, some serious, but always lovely conversations. The more we chat, the more I can see that we have in common. There are a couple of aspects of his life that aren't major parts of mine, but I don't want to date myself and have every little thing in common with my guy. We must have some differences. And this man and I do. I like him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel pretty. Even though we don't get to see each other very often, I'm actually quite content. I wasn't sure if he actually liked me, at first. But after we had a little conversation, we both realized that we were doing exactly what we thought the other was doing: pushing each other away. That simply wasn't the case.
The second guy is nice enough. We seem to have a few things in common, as well. I'm not feeling the "spark" I felt instantly with the first guy, but I haven't really had as long to get to know #2, either. We'll see where these fellas go.
#3 sounds nice. I'm told he's handsome with a dark sense of humor. That will complement my humor nicely.
I like the fact that the Universe has suddenly thrown me into the dating scene with such vigor! The guys are all so different, but still hold such possibility for me. My intent is never to change someone so they become my perfect "other." I want someone who can be with me as I am, while I can be with him as he is. Harmony in contentment; that is my wish for whichever man with whom I end up becoming seriously involved. And who, dear reader, can really want more than that?

Cycles, Ever Spiraling Up and Down

While I'm not quite certain just what motivates me to post once again, out of the blue, I am certainly not at a loss for news. The biggest change in my life that has thrown my life into a new spiral was my father's death in April. Those of you that have been following regularly (or, rather, whenever the muses have pushed me to post) know that my relationships with my parents have not been great in the past five or so years. My father and I, for those of you who don't know, have been at odds since I was about 5 or 6. It came to a head when I was a young teen, then, in the year before his death, I just stopped speaking or interacting with him at all. So, when my sister called to tell me that he had six months to live, I said, "Let me know if he asks for me. Otherwise, I've said my goodbyes already."

Harsh, I know. But we all deal with life and its trials and tribulations in the best ways we can. We do what we can to keep ourselves sane.

Then, I heard his time was shortened to two weeks. And it hit me, then. No matter what horrors we (my siblings, aunt and I) were forced to endure at this man's hands, I didn't want to continue that pain and hurt. That loneliness and remorse, that became so abundantly clear one night as I helped him eat his dinner at the facility, was like a red hot dagger. I used to be fully of the school of thought that "what one reaps, one must sow." I still cling to that, but we all make decisions and take turns down paths that cannot be unmade. That night, when he told me, "I'm glad you came," my heart broke a little. That deep loneliness (which, granted he brought upon himself through his ill treatment of his family) was such a limbo as I never would wish upon another soul.

Perhaps it was the way I was brought up; put the happiness of others before mine, no matter how they may treat me. Not a great lesson to learn, and quite difficult to unlearn. Going to the extreme of completely cutting someone out of my life was the only way I knew how to deal with it all. As I've said before, had he (or my mother) been complete strangers, I'd never have let them stay in my life. The simple, biological ties that bind needn't keep one in misery. Respect is earned; it's not a right. But there came a breaking point. I don't regret my decisions to cease communications with my parents. I needed to do that to figure out who I was. And you know something? It worked. But it's not for everybody.

In the five years before my father's death, I hadn't spoken a word to my mother. It was what I needed to do. I was determined to continue that path even while she was here comforting one of my sisters the in the days leading into his demise. Then, the day of, while my paternal aunt and uncle comforted me, my other sister and my brother-in-law, Mom came in with my sister and sis's boyfriend. I didn't even look at her through the anger in my heart at everything that was racing through my mind.

'How dare she? How can she be mourning this person that she no longer loved? How can she be so cruel as to throw her sadness into our lot? She doesn't know what it's like?'

By the end of that day, with my mother, siblings, brother-in-law and sister's boyfriend all around me I realized something major. My heart needed mending. I no longer wanted to be that angry person. Nursing that anger would end in one way, and one way only: loneliness. That same desolate, heartbreaking realization of dying truly alone that greedily ate away at my father's soul as he lay dying. How he endured it all these years, knowing (he must have had some inkling near the end) how much of it was his doing I will never know. I'll make damn sure of it.

So, I resolved to put the past where it belongs and try again with my mother. We speak now, as if nothing had happened. As long as the past doesn't repeat itself, I think that I am finally finding my way out of that murky depth which swallowed my father whole. It almost claimed my heart, too.

Almost.

Bah! Can't Be Bothered!

Just a little placeholder to let you know that I'm still alive. Life's full of madness, as usual, but moreso than that I am normally accustomed. Time for bullets! Yea! ~Haven't had a cup of Mugwort/Wormwood in ages. ~Car is still acting up...three mechanics/garages and 6 months later: no idea. Toying with the idea of going to a transmission specialist to see if they think they can fix it. ~Sis and I did a walk for Alzheimer's today. Lovely weather, grand company. We had fun with the shenanigans; as per usual. ~Lost an awesome coworker...again...grr... Long story. Won't go into it. Suffice it to say that I'm getting used to it. ~It's going to be a long summer; other barn girl has physical ailment and horse shows all summer. But, hey! More hours=more $, so, you know, not horrible. ~I lost a bunch of weight, was being really healthy, went on vacay to Bar Harbor and gained it all back. Struggling to get back into the swing of things, but I'll get there. ~Vacay was amazing, by the by. Just sayin' 'sall. ~Still single, and still uncertain whether or not I'm fine with it... K, bye.

Oh! Hello, there!

I didn't see you come in. Too busy crying over thoughts of loved ones passed and those that are still alive, but I am missing all of a sudden. Well, not really all of a sudden; I miss them all of the time. Sometimes, though, it bubbles up through my eyes and I have to cry it out, sing a little, think of them fondly and let it out. Not trying to be a downer, just showing a side of myself that we all, as humans share. Sometimes our loneliness is compounded by the sudden thoughts of dear ones who have gone before. If you must know, I was thinking of my maternal Grandmother (the one who is still alive, but barely, with Alzheimer's), maternal Great-Grandmother (d.) and my paternal Grandparents (d.) It hits without warning, sometimes, and I talk to them. This time, I sought out a couple of oldies on YouTube and sang to them as best as I could through my sobs. Regardless, I know that they'd have enjoyed it. Do you have these breakdowns every so often? Who do you miss? Are they still on this plane, or have they passed on?
As the Winter struggles with it's position with Spring on it's heels, rebirth comes to the forefront of my mind. Our chickens at work are confused. Well, their bodies are, anyway. A few have fallen into an early moult, and our guineas are laying, again. The constant power struggle between seasons has thrown us all off! But, with rebirth comes opportunity and hope and clearer eyes. Life goes on and on, ever and always. We must all press on, enjoy the time we have and hold close the dear ones in our lives. For who knows when we shall meet again?
The last dream that I can recall (that I conveniently recorded at the end of the day) was on Wednesday, January 25 (of this year, obviously.) It is written in my dream journal as follows:
On a tour of some tourist attraction in Egypt. (I'm not leading the tour.) Someone brings up the "curse of the mummy," and some people get worried, others not so much. Then, the curse happens! Those of us inside are "trapped," and the tour guide tells us to stay calm and "let it happen." The Pharaoh's dogs/dragons/lion-things are sniffing out the women. They determine who goes with the Pharaoh. One took a liking to me. Before I knew it, I was in Ancient Egypt as one of Pharaoh's servants/wives. I was his favorite. At one point, I remember asking if anyone (women) wanted to go with me "to the River Nile to collect water for tomorrow?" No one was interested, so I went alone. Later, I also remember spending time just walking and talking with Pharaoh (he was extremely good looking!) I also recall a flash of later on (the last bit of the dream) -> I was driving "into" the compound, as if it were a set-up like Plimoth Plantation. I drove down the "center aisle" between steppes (like rice steppes) toward the pyramid, but it was all still a desert. As I drove in, I passed the Pharaoh, and, though he was grinning, he was shaking his head "no" at me. Then, as if by telepathy, one of the other girls working told me to turn around, we're not open today. Then I woke up.

I know that my dreams have been continuously vivid, but their remnants dissolve upon waking. It has been some time since I had that second cup of Mugwort/Wormwood tea, and even though I have a live Mugwort plant (now happily rooting in soil on my nightstand), remembering each morning has not improved. Fingering the spines of my occult library today, I came across a book that I have never used. It is a retired library book that (I think) Auntie gave to me. Herb Magic and Garden Craft by Louise Evans Doole. (It smells divine, by the way!) My copy is from 1972, but the transcript was originally published in 1964 under the title Herb and Garden Ideas. It reads more for the occasional gardener (as am I) and cook, not as much for magickal usage. However, each of the herbs listed in the easy-to-follow book have their own purpose in the mystical realm. Besides, don't we all recognize that all plants have their ways? Don't we all know that everything has it's own charm and function? My green thumb extends only to my odd ability to grow roses without much interference past watering. Thank you, Grandma! Lucky for me, most magickal herbs and plants are "weeds," anyway. If my mugwort dies, then I will admit to owning truly brown thumbs. At any rate, I look forward to trying again with the "herb garden" planning. Most of my plants will be potted and keep as small as possible; only large enough to borrow when I am in need. To be honest, I'm looking forward to having live plants, whether or not I use them in the future. By simply having them around me and my home, I will gain the knowledge they care to share.
My eldest sister has always had some sort of veg garden in the works, since I can remember. Perhaps she and my other sister drew the longer straws before they were born, leaving me with a stubby, little brown thing. Ah! Well! We've all got our creativity and artistic pursuits that we happily share with one another. For instance, eldest sis has recently had a grand re-opening of her Etsy shop with lovely new and original, handmade journals, jewelry and trinkets! (She's such a go-getter! I haven't even listed one thing in my Etsy shop.) To celebrate, she's got a fab giveaway going until this Thursday (February 2). You should really check out her blog From the Hart of My Dearest to see the goodies she's giving away! I'm lucky; I get lovely handmade things when there are gifts to be given at family gatherings and on my birthdays! May be unfair for me to enter, but that shouldn't stop any of you from entering the drawing!
Alright, I'm off to get my tea ready; it's been too long.

Ebb and Flow

My dreams have been coming every night. I have not had a cup of the Mugwort/Wormwood tea for a fortnight, now. Lacking the ability to remember enough to record said dreams when I wake is, I think, a result of the extra, magickal oomph. Having the darling plant living on my bookshelf in my bedroom must be of some assistance. Then again, I am a firm believer of ingestion of power. Necromantic in its imagery; harmless in this case. My dear little Mugwort begs to be planted, and shall be today if the ground is not so frozen neath the heavy, wet snows. So, my dreams come and go. The Moon is waning, after all.
In blog news, I am blushing for numerous reasons! Imagine my excitement when I read this morning that I had won the drawing over on Wizardess' blog, Go Out Beneath the Naked Night, for the lovely tarot giveaway she was having! Now, see me turn a deeper shade of red as she links to my blog! And still deeper crimson when I realize that I entered the drawing, but never linked to her here before it ended! The shame! I am so thrilled to have won, but oh! How uncouth was I that I didn't send more people to her site. *shakes head* Not nice, Renee.
Anyway, Wizardess has been a die-hard follower of mine for quite a long while. I, too have enjoyed the wisdom and whimsy she has shared with her followers. Having such grand Pagan community members available to us (practiced and green, alike) help us all learn a little something more everyday. If you enjoy my blog, I think that Go Out Beneath the Naked Night would also be a lovely fit!

Dreams, Mugwort and a Haunting

Had a great dream the other night, but I think it only fair to keep some dreams to oneself. It's in my journal, but, just as a birthday wish cannot be shared, so too are the dreams we hope to come true stowed deep inside.
On that note, I asked the Field Manager at work if we ever grew Mugwort or Wormwood. He said that Mugwort is one of the weeds that he can't ever get ride of, no matter what he does. Wormwood, he thinks, may grow here at there as a weed, too, but Winter keeps them well hidden. He brought me into one of the greenhouses and pointed out some young, but hearty and lovely Mugwort. Being so difficult to eradicate, he assured me that my success with a transplant would very likely be great. At the end of my shift, I dug up what I could, brought her home and stuck her in a small bit of water to revive her thirsty roots. I shall plant her up tomorrow and keep her in my room! The promise of a fresh, magickal herb at my fingertips is a boon to my soul, with the scent of her silvery foliage filling my senses with joy and still more dream power.
Lastly, last night, as twilight settled into night, I was leaving the farm and fiddling with the gate to the parking lot. I had thought, then, that I saw my boss standing in the doorway of the farmstand. "Odd," I thought, "but maybe he's just making sure that I was locking the gate behind me." Nevermind the fact that his golf cart was nowhere around, the doors to the stand were locked and the lights (except for the ever-lit machinery within) were all off. Nevermind the fact that, the door the figured peered through was half obstructed inside, making it impossible for someone in that window to be standing as I had seen what I thought was my boss. Nevermind the fact that, as I found out today, my boss and his wife (also my boss) weren't even on the premises. Nevermind the fact that I was the only person there when I left. I thought about waving "goodnight," but figured that I'd just go on as I was and go home. Upon further investigation this afternoon, I realized that there was no way there was someone standing there, as I had seen someone, where I had seen them.
The image, now knowing that it was an apparition, haunts my mind still.

Dream:January 16 (AM)

Two stalls were added on to one side of the donkey barn at work, and the one, large paddock was split into smaller paddocks. I was trying to figure out which animals should go into which stalls, and there were people there with whom I went to school. So, after moving the donkeys, I used a couple of the people as place-holders. But I ran out of time, so I went home for the night. In the morning, I had realized that I had left the people there without food or water overnight. Oops!

Still Dreaming

The following is what I wrote in my dream journal this morning.
I was at that old theater-cum-waterpark. At the bottom of the "flooded stairs," I was drying off with a couple of other people (a woman and a man) around my age. We started talking about how rude it was that people just throw the towels supplied by the theater anywhere. So, the woman and I started hanging them on railings to dry. Then, we were packing and talking about a trip to Argentina. The room we were in became an extension of our apartment and wasn't the theater anymore. I kept asking, "What should I pack? How long will we be there?" I now knew that I was a new member of Josh Gates' Destination Truthteam! My first investigation was a haunted town in Argentina. Josh came in at one point and we talked. I asked him some questions, felt very intelligent, then he sort of sat back and we were already there. From what I can remember, the investigation was pretty much just our talking to an old woman. Then we were on a nearly deserted street in Japan, at a cafe on a street corner. I was talking to 3 older men (I was at a "bistro sidewalk" table with 2, and the other was in the doorway of the cafe/shop.)The signs were in Japanese and Spanish, and the man at the table with me on my left spoke English, so was trying to help me learn a little more. Then, the woman (from packing) and Josh were there. We started talking about the investigation. Japanese man to my left started talking to me, again. It began to lightly snow and I noticed that we were all in tees and shorts. None of us were cold. An old woman rode up on a rickshaw and parked on the corner. On the floor of the rickshaw were 4, volleyball-sized, glowing, red balls tied together with soft, green twine. The color of the twine matched the green ivy design on the balls. Through their jostling (from the rickshaw), they rang like those stress-relief balls(Baoding Balls.)Josh bowed his head and started to pray. (I remembered (in my dream memory, not IRL) seeing those balls in Argentina, too.) All of a sudden, I was talking to the guy from the investigation who was now sitting to my right. I whispered that it was too bad we didn't get to that street at 12:00 (midnight) to see the "Wild Hunt" pass through. Josh looked up and asked, "What?" I looked over and and said, "Oh! I was just telling Elf," I looked at the guy next to me and started laughing. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to call you that! " He looked like Will Farrell. "Maybe it was that movie, and its snowing, so..." I turned back to Josh and sang what I had told "Elf." Then, I sang that I didn't know why I was singing. I sounded like Loreena McKennitt, and I think I impressed everyone there.

Interpretation, anyone?

Jauary 12, 2012 @ 6:00AM

From my dream journal.
3 dreams: first, I cant remember, now.
Second, I was a young girl (whole dream viewed 1st person) on the run from a "dirty cop, so I had to live on the streets. Dirty cop was Will Farrell, but as bumbly as he was, he was still confident and not funny. I was being hidden and helped by a guy(Adam Pally). The first time he got me away from the cop, he was in a living room, smoking a tobacco pipe, standing on a giantred tortilla chip. He saw me come around the corner of the hall to the living room and was waving me over,whisper-yelling for me to "get on!" I looked at hi funny ("It's a tortilla chip!"), but I hopped on behind him, accidentally broke off a back corner with my foot, grabbed a hold of him, and up and off we went flying! I was safe. Then, for some reason, later on we were back in that house (it was the cop's house.)
We hid behind the far end of the sofa (all of the room's colors were faded, 70s browns and drab.)When the cop got out of the shower, he heard us and we ran out the back door. We could hear him trailing us through the woods (again) but on his phone with his superior. He didn't catch us, but came close, as, before we get into the woods, we had to jump over and around a lot of mesh wire rolls, fencing and farming equipment.
3rd dream: in some sort of "Normans store.(It's a department store in Michigan. Very imposing and gigantic to me as a child.)Ran into Uncle D (who was a good 2 feet taller than me.)(This dream was also 1st person.) He was wearing a long, tribal-like leather-pelt cloak/cape. I was excited about it, and, asking if I could try it on, well, I did! I practically drowned in it! It was so big! I loved it! Weird. There were other elements to the dream before the Uncle D thing, but that's all I remember, now.

I've Had a Few

Dreams, that is. The last dream that I mentioned here was the one about reading magazines. That didn't actually get entered into my dream journal for one reason or another. Probably just laziness; I'm prone to laziness. Anyway, I've three entries in my journal since then, and they are at least two pages each. So, for the sake of my dear readers' sanity, I'll break them up into three entries; this being the first.

Dream from entry not dated, but between January 6 and 12.

Xmas party, but just "Steph" and me at Grandma and Grandpa S's house (before they moved out here), but it wasn't... We were eating nuts and cheese and I was making a huge mess. We were watching on television. Grandpa walked in. (We were the only three in the house.) He started talking about stuff, but we were just annoyed that he wouldn't stop talking. I started "vacuuming" the floors (4 wool rugs on top of one another on a carpeted floor) with my foot. Grandpa picked up a gift from under the tree and was excited because it was for him. On the side was written my mother's name (first and last) in her handwriting. Steph and I pointed out that it was from Debi. And he said he knew, put it back and walked into the hall, mumbling about random stuff.
At one point, I was in a car with another adult, 2 kids and a dalmation-person who was pregnant with puppies. We were going to the airport to pick up the mother of the kids. We got there, went to baggage claim and found her suitcase opened with contents hastily set on top. We started grabbing things and arranging them like puzzle pieces in the back of the powder blue (tiny) car. (There was no way it was the car we came in, nor that we would all fit into it with all of the stuff in the back.) Also, we were filling it as it was parked in baggage claim.
All of a sudden, we were back at the house. I'm cleaning the floor again (same room) and a couple of "cops" come to the door. I insisted we hide, but the little girl had already let them in. They had a German Shepherd. While the man spoke to the other people, I kept arranging rugs as I approached the side near the woman and dog. She made a gesture like, "Don't get too close; he bites." I glared at her and told her that I wasn't coming to pet him, turned my back and went back to arranging on that side. They wanted to inspect our "graveyard." I looked up and out the big window into the backyard and saw the 2 or 3 headstones. I got nervous. They went out the door and we all sat down inside, watching t.v. again. Then, a t.v. crew came in and started interviewing the other woman (from the beginning, not Steph anymore) and they started laughing. I asked them what was so funny -->They zoomed in on the "almond paste" at the corner (on the floor) of the biggest rug. But it was a powder, and looked like a tassel. I was angry that they were laughing and felt ashamed that I had missed it while I was cleaning.
I'd say that was pretty vivid; especially since I can still see it in my mind. Next up: January 12.

As an Adult

When I was in high school, I got into the program Ally McBeal when it was in its last season. I loved it! Then, it ended. I remember thinking, "Gee! I wish I had been watching this from the first." No one in school agreed. In fact, they couldn't really understand why I was so into the show. I mean, I wasn't obsessed with it, by any means! But, honestly, it tickled me.
Well, as I am able to see episodes online now that I missed all of those years ago, it's all the more enjoyable. Why? Back then, I was 16 or 17; totally inexperienced and ignorant to the ways of love and life. For goodness sake! I was that girl in English class. You know who I'm talking about; there is at least one in every class, every year. I was the girl who, during discussions of Romeo and Juliet raised my hand with my nose in the air and disagreed with the teacher. "What did you disagree to, Renee?" you ask. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I hated that statement and found it melodramatic. "How stupid!" I cried incredulously. "How would someone know what they were missing if they'd never had it? Further more, why would someone want to live with the pain of having lost love, rather than simply live without; not knowing what they'd lost?" It made no sense. Teacher's response? "Try it, and get back to me." Ugh! I was outraged! Maybe I just wanted an argument.
Then again, a few years later, I fell in love. Really in love for the first time. And, until he cheated on me, I was on cloud nine. Now I understood. Sadly, I have yearned for love and a great connection ever since. So, I'm left wondering: is it better to have loved and lost? I may still disagree. I may never find it again, and I know now what I'm missing. Or, perhaps I don't. That guy was a jackass and love may be even more marvelous and magnificent and fabulous and other incredible adjectives. Maybe I don't really know what I'm missing, but, gosh! Even that bit of closeness is hard to go without.
I digress. Ally McBeal. Loved it then, before I knew life and love. Some 10-odd years later, I have known love and life, in many forms. The show really touches base with me as an adult. Poor Ally! Maybe, on some level in my "wise beyond my years" younger days I knew that, though masked in hilarity and foolishness, life actually has darker shades mirrored by the fantastic lives of these characters. Certainly, it's all "go-go-go" and tensions and "what ifs" and "I can't believe she just said/did that." But such is life. The writers conveyed a future to a young woman who barely knew what drama was and what could inevitably become her life. They were able to execute their convictions so succinctly that they ring true even today. That young girl in 2000/1 is now a woman in 2012. And you know? Shows like this help people like me, singles who sometimes feel hopeless in love (let's face it; it does feel like that sometimes.) Well, we feel a little less hopeless. Because, honestly, how could the writers put pen to paper and bring forth those points and feelings (and utter desperation and confusion) if they weren't truly felt by someone else somewhere at some point down the line?

At 7:45PM, Tonight

This sickness is taking its toll in still another form; sleepiness. I was already sleepy-eyed when the clock struck seven. Fading fast, I have set my Mugwort/Wormwood tea to steeping, and will shut down the old laptop after this post. This time, I am to do this properly. Since I am fully certain of no ill effects of the tea, meditation and chakra openness awaits before surrendering to Morpheus.

Again, the recipe:
1 tsp Mugwort
1/2 tsp Wormwood
1/2 tsp Licorice Root
1 C boiling water
Steep 5-10 minutes (though I wait ten. This allows the herbs to fully steep, as well as letting the brew cool enough to chug and avoid the bitterness that surely follows.)

Slight changes in this cup:
~Licorice Root: from 1/2 tsp to 1 tsp (to help cut unpleasantness)
~Honey: roughly 1/2 Tbsp
~Vanilla Extract: one cap full (which I guess is about 1 tsp.)

Oop! Time to chugalug! Hold on.
...
Nope. Didn't help. Not much, anyway. Also, all of this walking about has helped my sinuses clear up slightly, so... Hold on a tick, the bitter after taste *does* have a tiny, minute bit of sweetness to it.
Not much, though.
Here's to psychic enhancement and vivid dreams!
Bottom's up!

Not Much To Report

Once again, I skipped the tea. Bedtime kept getting pushed further and further into the evening that I wasn't interested in "winding down" and waiting ten minutes for the brew to steep to its full potency. It's fine. Tonight seems best for it anyway, as my nose is so stuffed that I doubt the bitterness will even have a chance to set in before I brush, floss and rinse before bed. (One way to be positive about my temporary lack of olfactory capability...)

The details of last night's dream (that I recall) are few. I know that I was flipping through celebrity gossip mags and came across a "supernatural" or "SyFy" magazine. Just my luck! As I flipped through, it fell open to an article on Destination Truth and Josh Gates. Neat! So I flopped it closed to look at the cover and, low and behold! It was a cover story with a great picture of Josh and Jael (another "sometimes investigator" on the show.) I was pretty excited to have an issue with content in which I was actually interested. What does that say about my waking life? Well, truthfully, I just watched the last available episode of DT on hulu and SyFy.com two days ago. Also, I think, perhaps, I need to get out more. Then again, I can't really go out and about with this bug. Oh well, sometimes dreams are just fun to have; they always mean something.
...
Right?
*~_^*

Surprise!

Yesterday, my eldest sister, auntie and I (with help from my next eldest sister's boyfriend) had a surprise party for the latter sister. What fun! She didn't expect a thing and we still went ahead and stuck with her plan for a tea party. The only difference is that we were able to get into the apartment a couple of hours before she returned home from work, there were flowers (pink carnations, as they are her faves), balloons, cupcakes from Cupcake Charlie's and everything was ready and arranged when she arrived!
She was very excited for her new bunch of fabric and "American girl" barbie doll (from Auntie), and her pretty, white scarf and vintage sewing book from our sister. We used the gift I gave her to serve the tea. (I inadvertently picked the swap gift at christmas that was meant for her; a silver plated tea/coffee service. So, I bought a pack of vanilla scented Cape Cod Metal Polishing Cloths, shined her up like new and Bob's Your Uncle!) I don't think she minded to regifting.
We laughed, shared our "resolutions" and played Rock Band into the night.
Now, I come to my confession. I seem to have come down with some sort of bug that begins with a scratchy throat. Instead of the planned Dream/Psychic tea last night, I downed 2/3 of a dose of NyQuil that I had staring me in the face when I got home. Thank goodness I'm never sick enough to empty those meds in one illness. I'll just go ahead with the tea tonight. But the sleepiness from the medicine put me out from whenever we returned home last night (11, maybe?) until 8:40 this morning. If I had slept without "help", my body would have naturally woken up around 7. Then again, my scratchy throat probably would have kept me up all night...
I did have at least three dreams last night, though. In two, there seemed to have been children around. Also, I seemed to have been helping them with something. In one, I was definitely baby-sitting two brothers. They couldn't have been much older than 7. That was a dream within a dream. The outer layer had me talking about my dream to a woman with whom I was traveling and scavenging. It was a sort of "take what you can find to survive, but not war-like" sort of future world. It couldn't have been this future world, though, as it was all lush and green. I started pocketing pristine apples that had fallen to the ground when she tapped me on my shoulder and pointed to that odd, little plant. "Fairy Cupcakes." That wasthe name of the plant. No joke, the "flowers" were tiny cupcakes with "bubbled" tops. They were in a lovely assortment of colors, but the only cakes ripe for the picking had to be a toasted, golden brown (think: unfrosted, vanilla cupcakes just out of the oven.") One was the size of roughly three erasers (that you'd find at the end of a pencil) put together. This was the only dream I remember vividly enough to share this morning. Though medicine induced, I may still share a bit of what the "dream dictionary" finds in its meaning.

~Children: Retreating into myself to a more childlike state? Doesn't sound like what I'm doing. Then again, Ive always had an affinity for the more childish pursuits.
~Babysitting: Again with the need to take care of the child within.
~Survival through travel and scavenging: I will prevail through my troubles, but must stay positive. The travel signifies my need to get out of my daily routine and make a fresh start "where no one has any expectations of" me. (But how do I escape my own expectation of myself?) The only "scavenging" entry was for "scavenger hunt," and tells me that I'm lacking something in my waking life. I was looking for food to survive, and I just obsess about getting back to better eating habits every day.
~Apples: (a magical fruit)To see apples scattered on the ground in your dream signifies that false friends are working to deceive and harm you.Hmm...my circle of friends is itty-bitty. I don't think that this is true.In particular, to see green apples represent developing love or love that has yet to blossom.Interesting, especially since I have no prospects. The last apple I picked up was a massive Granny Smith, before the woman I was with took my attention away to the Fairy Cupcakes.
~Cupcakes:To see or eat a cupcake in your dream suggests that you are treating yourself to a little sweet reward. You feel that you are deserving of some sort of gift of prize. Alternatively, a cupcake represents your need to downsize some aspect of your life in order to make it more palatable or manageable. Take it a little bit at a time. Telling me to slow down my planning for the year? Or is it telling me to keep my plans as they are and do more (if I feel that I can/must) next year?

**Update: I'm feeling (surprisingly) better after having spent nearly all day in bed. I had my usual morning oatmeal (with peanut butter and banana) and a cup of Immune Support Yogi Tea (the pink label). Now, hours later, my scratchy throat is not scratchy, but the left side of my sinuses are only slightly stuffy. I should have known something was up days ago when I had a little tickle deep in my throat that just wouldn't go away. Oh, well; I'm on the mend. And how!

Thanks Destination Truth!

Just watched another episode of Destination Truth. This is something I like to do before work in the morning. If you haven't seen it, and enjoy shows like Ghost Hunters or Rick Steve's (insert place of travel here), I recommend it. What's I really enjoy is that fact that it's like a travel show that investigates cryptozoological and paranormal sightings and stories.
The episode I watched this morning was from season 3; The Masada/The Leprechaun. It was all interesting, but now I feel like I have a specific town to visit when I go to Ireland/England with Anam Cara; Doolin in County Clare.

All Through the Night

Dreams abound, last night! In fact,I was dreaming, then waking so frequently, that I remember thinking at one point, "I wonder if I should get up and write that down before I fall back to sleep?"
Well, I didn't, and this is the price I pay: I can only recall a handful (if that) of details to share. Let's see what I can catch, and if I can do it in order...

~bathing dogs (We were bathing them. It wasn't some sort of Wonderland scene.)
~Asian populations (a couple of my dreams plopped my down into Asian cities, but I don't know where.)
...
Yep, that's pretty much all I can bring up. So amazing, though! I dreamed throughout the night!

Oh! Well, There You Go.

Guide
To see or dream that you are a guide indicates that a higher force is guiding you toward your goals. You are on the right path toward personal development or spiritual enlightenment.

From: http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=tour

What Is With All the Tours?

Last night, I had two dreams (that I could tell.) Both put me, again, at the lead of two very different tours.
In the first dream, all that I could remember when I awoke was that it was a farm. However, this time, it wasn't the farm where I work (in waking life) and I didn't work there in the dream.
The following is what I had written in my dream journal this morning. (I don't remember anything from either dream, so this is all new to me again as I share it here.)
I lead a tour at a sort of hospital with a major children's leukemia wing/school. I worked there and was helping a little, Asian boy with his schoolwork and finding a book. (It was book seven in a series of large novels.) Also, there was some sort of family thing (my family, but not my real life family) going on while I was flirting/on a date with a really swarthy guy. I knew we'd be getting intimate later, so, at one point I left the party to go to my room and clean, but all I could think about was "What will everyone else think of me? I hope they don't hear anything..."
Odd. Seems my preoccupation with what others think has finally carried over into my dreams. What is strange to me, too, is my overwhelming involvement with people in my dreams. Is my psyche trying to compensate for my lack of human contact in my daily life? Or is my subconscious trying to tell me to get out and start reconnecting with people, again?

Ah ha! Interesting find, here. In searching the number 7 in numerology (to see what that book number represents), I found the following website:
http://www.ofesite.com/spirit/numerology/path7.htm
The first two paragraphs basically tell me that I enjoy looking into the mysteries of life, and, given enough pieces, I can usually solve a puzzle. While that last bit is only sometimes true, the third paragraph on the page is what struck me.
You enjoy your solitude, preferring to work alone. You need time to contemplate your ideas without the intrusion of other's people's thoughts. You are a lone wolf, a person who lives by your own ideas and methods.
Huh. Go on.
As a result, close associations are difficult for you to form and to keep especially, marriage. You need your space and privacy, which when violated, can cause great frustration and irritation. When your life is balanced, however, you are both charming and attractive. You can be the life of a party and you enjoy performing before an audience. You enjoy displaying your wit and knowledge, which makes you attractive to others, especially the opposite sex. But you have distinct limits. While you are generous in social situations, sharing your attention and energy freely, you are keenly aware of the need to come off stage, and to return to the solitude of your lair. You associate peace with the unobtrusive privacy of your world. Therefore, intimacy is difficult for you, because you guard your inner world like a mother lion does her cubs.

However, all this privacy and solitude can cause isolation and loneliness. You can be aware of an emptiness in your life, a part of you that yearns for company and close companionship that may be unsatisfied.

If isolation is brought to extreme, you can become cynical and suspicious. You can develop hidden, selfish motives, which people may sense and cause them to be uncomfortable around you. You must guard against becoming too withdrawn and too independent, thus shutting out the love for others, and keeping you from experiencing the true joy of friendship and close companionship.

You must especially watch out for selfishness and egocentricity, thinking of yourself as the center of the universe, as the only person who really matters. Social contract gives you perspective on yourself and on life, while too much isolation can make you too narrow, and even shut off from the rest of the world.
A-yep.

Three More Days

Even though I had my first cup of Mugwort-Wormwood tea on Sunday night, and (technically) one isn't meant to have more than one cup a week, I'm going to make Saturday night my designated dirty-old-sock tea night. I'll meditate, maybe do some yoga. Really wind down and have my cuppa before bed. Sundays are my days off, and, since the other gal at work offered to work the hours I was going to pick up since our bosses are out of town, I let her have them. This way, I will be able to allow the full effect of the second cup. In addition, I'm interested to see what is in store after I actually prep myself before the tea and really allow the full effect.
Tomorrow morning, I'll let you know if I dream of anything tonight.

Isn't That Just Neat?!

After reading The Wizardess' (http://gooutbeneaththenakednight.blogspot.com/)latest blog on 2012 Tarot guidance, I did a little quick numerology to find what my Major Arcana would be for this year.


If you are so inclined, the long version of what she means is on the artist's website: www.paulina.ws/joiedevivre/2highpriestess.html.

Short answer: My Year of Discovery is a go!

Steppin' Out

Nothing to report from Dreamland last night. I assumed the dreams would just be more vivid; not necessarily more frequent.
In other news, I have decided that this will be my year of discovery. Though, obviously it's already begun in the personal/spiritual side of things. My plans will not falter this year; I swear it! What's on the menu for 2012 growth? My year of discovery will take me to daring heights and exciting worlds.
Here's the plan (as it stands right now.)
~Spring (April): Skydive!!! Those of you that have known me forever know that this is something that I have always wanted to do. Finally, this year, I will do it and feel the rush of being above the world without a flying device (until the chute opens, of course.)
~Fall (End of September/Beginning of October or End of October): Ireland/England!!! Woo-Hoo!!! Need I say more?
~Fall (End of November/Middle of December): Somewhere exotic!!! I'd love to go on Safari in Africa, but it's just too expensive to do this year. So, I'm thinking about the jungles of Costa Rica or, if it is affordable, New Zealand!

It's all very exciting, and I am so glad to finally be stepping out into the world. Finances are panning out, so now I just need to slim down a little more before going for my passport photos.

Weeeee!!!!!!

Last Night's Tidbits

I was giving my family a tour of the farm I worked at (though, in the dream it was really only a version of my real life job.) It was in the mountains and you got from place to place by way of cable car gondolas. Later, after the tour, we all took part in a Samhain celebration/ritual. Organization was a big theme in last night's dream.
Wonder what tonight will bring...

The Results

Hey! Look at that! I'm still here. To tell you the truth, the reality of what I had done began settling in as soon as I snuggled under the covers and turned of the light, last night. "What am I doing?" I thought. Maybe I should have researched more about those herbs before drinking them down. "Too late, now." Besides, in all of the researched I had read, nothing had actually said that the dried versions of the Artemisias would harm me. The oil essences, especially that of the Wormwood, were the only items that no one should even touch. Luckily, Mugwort and Wormwood (fresh or dry) are only off-limits to children, pregnant women and women trying to become pregnant. So, you know? I'm off the hook.

Once again, I took 1 tsp Mugwort, 1/2 tsp Wormwood and 1/2 tsp Licorice Root, and steeped them in 1 C of boiling water for 10 minutes. This is meant to be drunk just before bed. In all that I had read, sources warned of the bitterness of the concoction. That was the purpose for the Licorice Root; it was meant to take the edge off. Well, if the Licorice Root took some of the edge off, I am thanking my lucky stars that I used it! Bitter does not even begin to describe the taste. It snuck up on my tastebuds at the back of my tongue and loitered there. (That may be a result of my attempt at chugging the brew and no allowing it access to the myriads of tastebuds anywhere else. I wasn't looking for a palette pleaser or hidden notes; I wanted that liquid down the gullet so I could go to bed and see what effect it might have.) Have you ever wondered what sweaty, old gym socks would taste like? No need to wait for a Bertie Botts Bean flavor! Down a cuppa and you'll experience it in full effect!

My Goddess! It was horrid! I had to stop after every other gulp to shiver and make sure that it wasn't coming back up (not only for flavor, but, if my body was going to reject this, now was going to be the time.) After a quarter of the way through, I decided that honey, as suggested by one of the recipes, was a must. I don't know exactly how much I added, because measurement was not important as I impatiently watched the amber mana crawl its way down through the bottle to the edge of the lid; where I squeezed and squeezed, praying for some alleviation in flavor. While I may have only added roughly 1/2 tsp of honey, I can tell you that I was amazed just how much it helped. But that lingering, back of the tongue after taste? Well, it lingered. I finished the tea. It lingered. I shivered and made the sounds a child makes after taking that horrid, yellow cough syrup. Stuck my tongue out a few times, too. Even did a little dance. Figuring it wouldn't affect the effects of the tea, I downed a glass of warm water (as that was the temp that immediately came from my tap), then rinsed quickly with mouthwash. Now that I think on it, maybe brushing and flossing right before drinking the infusion wasn't the best idea. We all know how leftover toothpaste flavor can turn one follow up flavor into something utterly revolting. Nevertheless, I would try drinking before brushing next time. (Incidentally, in case I didn't mention it before: this tea should only be downed once a week at the most.)

Results in Dreamland:
Nothing spectacular, really. I mean, I'm a fairly vivid dreamer most nights of the week. Then again, this tea is also meant to enhance my psychic ability, and will probably require regular practice. At any rate, here are the fine points I could recall when I sleepily wrote them down this morning.
~Loads of research in a massive library.
~Watery, cavernous caves. I did not feel at all threatened.
~I recall frequently checking (? happening to see?) a glowing, green, digital dashboard clock. I cannot recall the times, but this was a recurring thing.

*Shrug* Maybe I'm being influenced by my daily "marathon" of Destination Truth episodes, but I definitely feel as though I was exploring. I've had dreams in the past week or so where I was part of a team of explorers. However, this time, I feel like I was the leader of the crew.

Interesting. We shall see what this week brings, and if things become clearer after my second cuppa next Sunday night.

Giving It A Go

In the spirit of things new and exciting, I'm going to attempt a return to the practices that I had abandoned so long ago. Truly, I had acquired herbs and other items to help me with my ever growing interest in natural spiritualism, but never actually used them. In fact, I still have, and get this, an ounce of "Holy Water." It was part of a lot of herbs I had bought on eBay years ago. Who knows if the herbs are even any good anymore, but I'm interested in giving it a go at long last.

My first experiments shall be to use what I've got to increase my psychic ability. I don't know just how strong my natural abilities will be once unblocked, but I have been told by the few mediums I have consulted that, once opened, my psychic talents will be amazing. (I'm paraphrasing, here.)

Tonight: An herbal infusion tea of dried Mugwort (for vivid dreams and some psychic enhancement), dried Wormwood (for psychic enhancement and protection in Dreamland) and dried Licorice Root (to help with the bitterness of the first two.) From what I understand, a Mugwort tea is bitter enough without adding the insult of Wormwood. Supposedly, Licorice Root (which just so happened to be in that lot of herbs, as well) should help cut the taste a bit.
1 tsp Mugwort
1/2 tsp Wormwood
1/2 tsp Licorice Root
1 C boiling water
Steep for 5-10 minutes.
If it's really as bad as they make it sound, I'll be downing that mo-fo as quickly as my throat will allow without burning my esophagus.

I will report on my dreams tomorrow.
Goodnight. *^_^*

It's Been a Decade!

It's been a decade, and I said I'd never do it again.
Ah! But the siren song of organized, classroom education calls.
Sadly, the main reason I opted out of higher education was a lack of funds. I was certainly not into the idea of being buried by debt at such a young age. Perhaps it was luck that I had the foresight to see then that a career in art after schooling probably wouldn't happen. Not only that, but my interest in a full time career has shifted dramatically.
Orignally, I had dreamed of a career in the arts; namely, animation and illustration. Now, after having worked outside nearly every day for the past 3.5 years with plants and animals, I find myself gravitating toward the more scientific side of things. If I had to put a label (or several labels, in fact) on my sphere of interest, I would say that biology, zoology, ornithology and entomology captivate me far more than my other thoughts. Animals (especially the great diversity of birds and their evolution from those reptilian monsters of long, long ago) and the shear enormity of populations of bugs simply leave me in awe and a deeper respect of nature.
See, in school, the only classes I cared about were the arts (visual arts, chorus and theater) and English. Science only fascinated me when I understood and the teacher made it interesting. Math never really made sense to me. Otherwise, I would stick with what I knew; art. Thinking on my junior high and high school years, I remember actually enjoying Science with Mrs. Trask, Biology with Mr. Anastasia and Environmental Science with Mr. Hoppensteadt. In fact, Environmental Science was an elective, now that I think of it! Field work was actually fun, and the labs were pretty cool. But when things started getting hairy (Chemistry and Physics), my brain couldn't keep up and I'd often find myself crying into my homework because I just wasn't getting it. That is a lingering fear. Though, as I'm told, college is different. If you don't get it, and you go back for help, they actually help you understand. There are numerous ways to explain any given problem. Not all high school teachers are equipped with the knowledge to turn the puzzle piece-shaped solutions around to fit in with the jigsaws of our differing brains.
Then again, the school I keep researching (Unity College in Maine), though it seems like a dream would be roughly $20,000...after supposed financial aid. And who's to say I can even be awarded aid anymore? After all, it has been a while since I've taken a class that's lasted longer than a day. There is a possibility of aid from the tribe of which my family is a part, but there is still that lingering fear of balancing work, school and extra curricular activities. I know it can be done; people do it ALL the time. But can I handle it?
Oh! But wouldn't it just be a dream to be a biologist/zoologist living and breathing the yearning to make the world a better place for animals, plants and human beings?